Relief, Grief, and Confusion

by Anonymous

January 5, 2022

My medical abortion was a few months ago and I still have these waves of emotions regarding it all. I’m 21 in college and in a loving relationship with whom was the dad but it wasn’t always that way. Soon after my procedure I broke up with him for a period of time because even though I felt supported, I didn’t feel understood so I isolated myself. At the same time I had a married friend/coworker, the same age, have a miscarriage. She wanted her baby and so did I. In a way I was jealous of her, not of the pain and trauma she experienced but because it felt like she got the “easy way out” of the situation I was in. With my health, the same outcome could’ve been possible but risking it not occurring I had to make my own decision. I still struggle with it here and there and truly don’t know how to feel, that’s where the confusion comes in. I spoke with some women in the waiting room, heard their stories, and felt relief but also more fear all at the same time. On top of the hormones, I felt almost every emotion, every day, all at once for those two weeks almost. I cried in the bathroom at work too many times to count. After everything, I couldn’t cry for months. I honestly still struggle and I feel like I’m crazy for not being so sad but then again I feel like I was given a second chance at life. I graduate with my bachelors in May, which is right around the corner. (Sorry I know I’m all over the place but I’m sure you understand the feeling.) I’m a First Gen student and have pushed myself past my limits these past few years. I know when I walk across that stage I will cry for all the good and bad that has happened in these four years. I will cry thinking of my baby and how happy they would be for me. I will cry because I did it for us and my future for myself. I know I made the right decision but just because it was right for me doesn’t always mean it’s what I wanted to do. Nobody wants an abortion.

So I’m here and I see you. I feel your pain, your sorrow, your confusion. I see you’re struggling and for those without a support system, I sit with you. I may not know you but I know what you’re going through, what you’re thinking. I’m with you every step of the way so please remember me and my words. You truly aren’t alone and even though this seems like the most terrifying experience some women have ever or will ever go through (like it was for me), it’s truly not as big and bad as it may seem. This too shall pass. You are getting a second chance at life. Take that chance and run with it, that soul will cheer you on every step of the way just like I am. Like I said, I may not know you but I understand you. You’re making the right decision for you and there are no “wrong” decisions here. You will overcome this and see the other side, I promise.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!