I found out I was pregnant and I shrieked in the office. I cried until there wasn’t any tears left. The PA’s walked me to my car after I assured them I’d be okay. It was news I genuinely was not expecting. I have PCOS and inevitably thought I’d struggle to have babies. I was on birth control, and I wasn’t doing a great job at being consistent at taking my pills.
Immediately after learning about my pregnancy, I shared the news with my partner. He was shocked as well, but wanted to keep the baby.
I never thought I’d come back to share my story here… I was the small percentage of woman who didn’t feel relief. Here I am. Please keep reading.
My baby became #1 in my world. I was terrified beyond belief but I already began to love her (I believe I had a girl). I went back and forth deciding what to do. It consumed me until I had to make the ultimate decision as I was too far along in my state to receive care. I really didn’t know I was pregnant.
In the end, I couldn’t go through with the pregnancy because I know I would’ve struggled so much, in EVERY aspect. I was already taking care of myself and my partner, and for so many years, I consistently sacrificed myself to try to make the relationship work, trying to help him. Trying to force something that maybe is just not meant to be. We were together for 10 years. I cared for us emotionally, financially, physically in so many ways. In the end it wasn’t enough, and I was beyond exhausted. We left our apartment after three years living together to go back to our parents homes, and there I was weeks later, learning I was pregnant, and living in my same childhood room at my mom’s.
My mom was a single mom and I saw first hand how this affects children. It’s hard. I wanted a different life for my baby. I wanted to give my baby a life so much more different than mine.. and I didn’t want to do it alone. I couldn’t bring myself to do it though I genuinely loved my baby and was already protecting my belly.
Latinx woman, many of us are taught to put everyone else before us. Many of us live in fear we are far from love.
It broke my heart to have to make the choice I had to make. I went back and forth with the decision. Some days I felt confident I could do it alone, others I felt I had to save myself. I traveled seven hours with my “disappointed in you” mom because I was too far along to receive care in my state. I was so fortunate to have a choice. I’m sad I wasn’t offered the compassion I deserved in the hardest days of my life.
For any girls and woman reading this, there is a book I read after my abortion that helped me beyond belief. It’s called “peace after abortion”. I got it on Amazon and I read it in a few days.
I think of my baby daily. I know I made the right decision for myself, but it doesn’t mean this wasn’t a loss and it felt “right”. It was a heavy decision that broke me and has left a mark on my heart. I believe in God and I pray for her every night. I know we will be reunited one day. I hope…
Please be gentle on yourself. Please be kind to yourself and know I am so proud of you for having to make such a hard decision and not feeling the best about it. Sending love your way.
