Raw Story! Empowered

by CJ

June 13, 2019

This is my abortion story. This was my 1st abortion. I just turned 34 years old days before I took two dollar tree pregnancy tests. I am married and have a 15 year old son.

I was told I had endometriosis, I didn’t think I could get pregnant- my husband and I have been having unprotected sex for over a decade.

Prior to seeing a positive sign on both pregnancy tests, I had been on the Keto diet for 5 months and I lost 55 pounds and was able to get off my blood pressure medication. I still have s fast heart rate which I take a beta blocker for, severe anxiety/panic disorder which I take a benzo, and Celexa for. I also have fibromyalgia which I take muscle relaxers at night for.

This pregnancy would mean getting off all my medication that some I’ve been taking over 14 years.

Also, knowing I have endometriosis and lots of scar tissue I did not see the pregnancy getting to full term or being healthy for myself or the baby.

My husband and I decided an abortion was the best option for my health, the babies health, our financial situation and bc we already have a 15 year old and the age gap wasn’t ideal.

At first I didn’t know what to do. I stayed in bed and cried from Sunday to Wednesday.

On Tuesday I called the only abortion clinic that was a reasonable distance. (2 hours away). I told them what I typed above this and I made an appointment for the next day, Wednesday.

I’m freaking out, I’m crying, I’m scared to death of everything. All of this doesn’t seem real. I can’t believe I am in this situation- I’m so scared of Drs and procedures, etc. It was truly a living nightmare. I kept going over ALL the possible things that could go wrong in my head.

I set my alarm the night before, got up and took a shower, made sure I had money and my ID and we hit the road for the 2 hour drive. It was a 90% chance of rain that day. Driving in rain makes me nervous, thinking about what’s going to happen in the abortion clinic in about 2 hours has me freaking out and my husband talking so much is making me nervous. I just break down and start bawling! Am I doing the right thing- yes, I know I am- but I’m scared shitless! I don’t know exactly what to expect and is everything going to be normal in my ultrasound. All the unknowns are taking over. I finally stop crying and we are very near the clinic.

On the phone they said to be aware of protestors and to ignore them. Luckily the rain made them chicken out.

I enter the clinic, I had to go through 2 doors and get buzzed through the 2nd one for it to open. I got to the counter, we had to show our ID’s and then I had to fill out paperwork- nothing hard or bad.

Then we wait for a while. I get my name called. It’s for my ultrasound. My husband is not permitted to go back there with me, so I go alone. She asks if I want to know how far along I am and if I want an ultrasound picture- I say yes to all. Turns out I’m 5 weeks and 6 days. She said I qualify for the pill and gives me paperwork on the pill and procedure. Then I have to pee in a cup, to “make sure I’m pregnant lol”

I go back in the waiting room with my husband. We look at the ultrasound and still know we are doing the right thing but it’s all actually happening!

After a while, I get called back to talk to a counselor. Husband can’t come at first- they want to make sure he’s more forcing me to have the abortion. Once she sees I’m legit she goes and gets him and goes over every little thing. Turns out the Dr said bc of some of the medication I take that I cannot take the abortion pill- I HAVE to have the procedure. I’m kind of glad bc I was so very indecisive. Also, the procedure is 99% guaranteed. But…a PROCEDURE…IM FREAKING OUT.

After we get done with the counselor, who was VERY nice, we go talk to a Dr. She basically said the same stuff the counselor said but I needed to sign more paperwork. Oh, before all of this a group of us women had to watch a horrific video of how the procedure is done- again, freaked me out! Luckily, they said that’s an old video and it’s not up to date with how they do abortions now. Go figure. Feeling relieved about that though.

That’s the end of the consultation appointment. I ended up scheduling my procedure for the very next day so I would not have to kill myself with anxiety thinking about all the things that could go wrong. So glad I was strong enough to not put it off!

The next day, day of the procedure. I have not been talking a lot this whole week. This day, I was not talking at all- trying to remain calm. My appointment is at 3pm, we have to leave at 1pm. I take a shower, pack minimal things and hit the road. My feelings have turned into anxious, wanting to get it done, still scared, doesn’t seem real, and a tad excited that this will be over soon. But when I see the clinic mostly nervousness comes out.

I go in through the 2 doors with my hubby. I check in with my ID. I previously asked to speak to a counselor voluntary before I do anything to help with my anxiety and just to talk. I told her that I have already taken my medication for the day, which includes my benzo. I know in the cocktail on pills they give you is a benzo, so I didn’t want to take to 6 many. She tells me to go take another one of my pills and not to take the provided benzo they will give me. I agreed. She was Soo sweet and understanding. She has horrible anxiety too. Perfect person to talk to.

Shortly after I take my own pill, I’m called to the back for a finger prick and blood pressure. Surprisingly my blood pressure was not high- I thought it would be bc I’m so nervous and was having a panic attack while it was being taken. After that, she tells me to go to the Relaxation Room, remove underwear and pants, put them in a provided bag, wrap a sheet around my bottom half and have a seat.

In now sitting with other girls. Some had taken their cocktail already and were asleep, some were still waiting. They keep calling girl after girl. Then they call me for my cocktail. It consists of ibuprofen 800, an antibiotic, a pill to dialate me, anti-nausea and I think that’s it. No benzo bc I had my own. Then I’m sent back into the Relaxation Room so the pills can kick in.

I’m the last patient of the day. So the room is empty, just me. A nurse comes in calls my name and this is go time! No backing out. It’s like a panicked dream state. I wish I was passed out like those other girls but I’m awake and alert!

I give another nurse ( there’s two nurses) my sheet, she tells me to make sure I’m not sitting on my shirt, she puts the sheet folded on my pelvis area and keeps telling me to scoot down then put my feet in the stirrups.

The woman Dr comes in does a pelvic exam and uses a vaginal ultrasound to see where exactly my uterus and the fetus is. The vaginal ultrasound did not hurt! Here comes the real deal: she puts some liquid on me for cleanliness purposes, put the forceps in, so far kind of like a pap smear. Then she gives me shots in my cervix- ouch! Feels like stinging each time. Okay, I get past that now she telling the nurse other instruments to give her, very uncomfortable, bad cramps! My left side hurt the most bc I had a C-section before and I have a lot of scar tissue- and guess where the uterus was closer to- my left side. All the while my blood pressure is being taken. And it’s going down, which is unusual bc I’m in pain and tense and uncomfortable.

After whatever she was doing with those tools is over, she uses the suction device. It hurt, again a lot on my left side bc scar tissue.

I ask if it’s over. She says she’s gonna do another vaginal ultrasound to see if it’s all out. She did, it didn’t hurt and she said “all clear, got it all” and told me the pain was more intense bc I had a C-section and lots of scar tissue.

I’ve never been dilated or had contractions with my 15 year old son, I had an emergency C-section. So all I have to company the pain to my period pain. The procedure didn’t last long but was intense!

It was time for me to stand up. The nurse got my flip flops and I stood up but felt VERY dizzy. They told me to sit back down and gave me a wet wash cloth. I sat for a few minutes. The nurse said I am already pale but I was very pale and green when I tried to stand. I honestly think I was not breathing correctly and I was going to pass out. But that passed, thankfully.

I’m escorted by the nurse to recovery. I’m surprised I’m not in a lot of pain. I lay on the comfy chair, nurse takes my blood pressure and it’s 96 over something, pulse only 55…I guess I really was going to pass out! I hurried and ate some cookies that were on the table next to me and drank this delicious tea! She took my blood pressure again and it was normal. I’m still feeling like all this is unbelievable but not in pain.

After a while the nurse tells me I have a tampon in me. She says to take my bag to the bathroom, put this pad on, take the tampon out of me, put it in the box the pad came out of and give it to her after I put my underwear and panties on. But first clean up with this washcloth with only water. I did all that just fine.

I go sit back in recovery, my counselor comes in, takes me to her room and we talk. I really love her!

I’m still not in pain. I’m released and can go home!

On the way home we stop at Taco Belll! Yum! I ate too much lol, a present to myself. I’m reclined in the car for the 2 hour drive home bc they said that’s the best and to get out and walk at least once during the trip so blood doesn’t get trapped in the uterus and have more cramps later. So we stop at a dollar general. Still no pain, just bloated but that could of been the Taco Bell.

I make it home. Go pee, no bleeding. Decide to rest and watch TV, I ended up falling asleep for hours. No pain still. No bleeding.

Today is the day after my abortion, no pain. Only had maybe 3 period like cramps today. I’m seeing a little blood but only when I wipe. I had my abortion when I was exactly 6 weeks pregnant. I kept thinking to myself how some women do not have this choice and how lucky I was, even though it’s not an idea situation, it was safer than continuing the pregnancy.

I feel empowered, as soon as I stop with these cravings, I’m getting back on Keto and going to advocate EVEN MORE for women’s rights!

I’m thankful I got to have this abortion and my heart goes out to those who live in a state where it’s prohibited!


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