I’m 17. Haven’t graduated high school yet, no permanent job and my relationship was rocky. I’m barely more than a really tall child with tits tbh. I’m on the pill, but occasionally missed a few pills like a fool and then still had sex within seven days of missing it. Not an great overall choice on my behalf. So when I started to feel sick semi regularly I was worried. And then I missed my period. Hoping it was just late I waited a little while to tell my boyfriend I was concerned. When my period still didn’t show up I told him. I took the first two tests and didn’t want to believe them, so I went out and bought another.
As that second line came up I sat on the bathroom floor with my fist in my mouth so I didn’t scream.
After telling my boyfriend I just wanted to be left alone, couldn’t stand for him to even hug me. I became so irritable even I didn’t even want to deal with myself. My boyfriend would constantly make comments about wanting to keep it, even after I made it clear I didn’t want to. Even after I made my choice clear. With this happening I broke up with him within three days of finding out. Three days after that I told my mom. She sat with me as I made the call to the clinic and arranged for a medical abortion. I was scheduled for two days after that.
I skipped school that day as my mom and her boyfriend drove me the two and a half hours to the nearest clinic. Sat for about 2 hours watching HGTV in absolute silence with women all around me. I wanted to speak to them but at the same time absolutely hated the idea of human interaction. During my ultrasound I wanted to see the pictures so badly (even though I was so early I probably wouldn’t have known what I was looking at) but I know if I had done that I would of walked out of that clinic there and then. I don’t want a kid, couldn’t do it and I know that. But that didn’t change the fact I did want it at the same time. Not long after the ultrasound I had blood tests done and then took the first pill.
Rather than driving home right after we bombed around the city, and ended up stopping by build a bear at my mothers insistence. Came home with a wildly expensive stuffed bear. Decided to name her Ada.
24 hours later I took the next four pills. And two hours after that I experienced the worst cramping in my life. Nothing has ever compared to it. I wanted to scream but was physically incapable of it. Heavy bleeding for hours, it then slowed down a bit as the pain went away. I’m still experiencing the cramping a week later and bleeding hasn’t stopped, but I was told that’s normal.
I want to cry. So badly. But I know what I did is what’s best for me, or so I hope. I can’t stop thinking about what if I hadn’t gone, what could I have turned my life into? And I’ll never know, but once again, it was for the best. I couldn’t have given my baby a happy life and I know that. And I never would of been capable of putting it up for adoption, I get too attached. Right now I’m trying to use this as my way of coping, I’m relieved of course but I also feel guilty. Went to the city with a baby and left with major cramps in my future and a damn teddy bear.
