When I was 19, I got pregnant after having unprotected sex. I was at an age where I didn’t have a care in the world for consequence, until the consequences occurred. I had been late by a week, which at the time was normal. I had a very unusual cycle back then. But everyday came with no bleeding. And another day. And another day. I can recall my breast being extra tender. More than they usually are during PMS. One night I became nauseous over popcorn. I began to question if this was really happening to me. When I took the test, it was positive. Nothing but abortion crossed my mind. I wanted to get it that day. My boyfriend at the time supported this decision. We were both so young. He wanted to eventually be a father where as I don’t want to parent another human even to this day. It’s just not apart of my makeup. He had more grief than I. I had resentment. To me, it felt unjust. That I should experience this bodily procedure and not he. I was a kid. I chose MA. The day had come to take the second pill at home. It was like an acid trip from hell. I felt embarrassed and exposed. Sick and alone. The full day consisted of the after affects. I don’t remember much more from that time. It was a successful procedure and left no evidence of pregnancy. What it did leave though was extreme paranoia.
I’m in my mid 30s now and can’t have sex without immediately convincing myself it’s happening again. The mental anguish is debilitating. I allow myself a night of human desire but the next morning the overwhelming paranoia begins. I feel every tiny thing my body is doing and is convinced. I feel slightly tired and get panicked. I obsess over Dr. Google, ovulation calendars, any vulvar excretions, any sensations in my lower back or abdomen. The hyper fixation over takes my being to the point of psychosomatically developing pains. I can’t get out of my head about it. It’s torture. The waiting game for any sign of PMS or menstruation makes the days long and isolating.
I struggle a lot with this. Even when using protection, I get convinced 100%. So much so where I plan my schedule around another abortion days after what could be a missed period. The shame is still there. I know I made my choice correctly. Yet, there’s a societal pressure around this that makes me believe I’m doomed to more turmoil if this happens again. When I was a teen, I opened up to friends about it and actively watched their retreat from my life.
Now with the heaviness of the 2025 year, I’m in greater fear of no longer having this choice available. This round of paranoia is excruciating. I write this because I know I’m not alone. This world is quiet but we have these platforms to be loud. You are not alone. The mental burden of abortion is real. Lean into these platforms and community. That’s how I get by.