I just wanted to write something tonight. It marks one year ago tomorrow, Sunday after Thanksgiving.

I remember earlier in the week telling my boyfriend (we were in an open relationship) who was visiting from overseas that I was pregnant. He had just arrived for a two week stay with me in my new apartment in LA…we hadn’t seen each other in 6 months.

I took a pregnancy test the Monday he arrived, I was in the CVS bathroom with my friend (so grateful for her) in tears the entire car ride back home. I knew I had to tell my boyfriend that I was going to get an abortion…

Before doing that, I had to call my friend I had sex with to tell him I was pregnant and that I was going to have a medical abortion. He was supportive, and my boyfriend…wanted to be but just wasn’t fully present. I don’t blame him, I constantly replay this all and try to put myself in his shoes.

It’s been just about a year since I last talked to him. I wonder what it would have been like it I hadn’t said anything about the abortion.

That day was a wild time. I can remember getting to the office, going through the process, and during the ultrasound beginning to cry…the nurse paused and reminded me that it was my choice and I knew that I could not have a child, I was not in the position to bring a life into this world, even though my entire life I thought about what it would be like to get pregnant and have a child. I never thought this was something that I’d be going through.

I felt and still feel guilt, but am working at being kind to myself and understanding it was my choice and my body. And I’m grateful.