Numb

I’m 26, and living my 20’s to the fullest, random hookups situationships, you name it. My doctor told me I was unable to conceive so I was not being careful, and birth control always made me feel abnormal. I guess I have always wanted to be a mother, but I came to peace with my diagnosis. Until I missed my period and saw 4 positive signs on the multiple pregnancy tests I took. I was in complete shock and a feeling of numbness took over.

I did not know who the father was, but I had an idea. Once I told him the news he wanted nothing to do with it, so I did the only thing I thought was right which was get an abortion. I’m in grad school and working 2 jobs just to support myself, there is no way I could raise a baby alone. This time in my life I have never felt so many feelings at once, so many feelings it left me numb. This happened only a few months ago and I still have not processed what has happened, but I know it has made me grow in so many ways that I never thought I could. I sometimes feel a sense of guilt because I am 26 and I was being careless, but I know that this was the best thing for me. I know one day when it is right and in my time and overall when I have my shit together I will be the best mother.

In a strange way I think the spirit of my once baby will come back to me, at least I’d like to hope that. I am sharing my story because I have never spoken out, and have never seen an abortion story like mine.