Internet stranger: You are not alone. You are so brave for choosing you.
Not wanting a baby right now is enough justification for an abortion.
I know that, logically. Emotionally, I was swamped with guilt.
I am 25F, in a loving long term relationship, I have a decent (albeit early career) job. I want a baby in a few years … but not now.
I knew I was pregnant the instant it happened, I still hold some resentment towards those who didn’t believe me straight away. The condom broke, the PlanB failed. I was pregnant. I just knew.
I was four weeks Gestational Age (which means two weeks-ish pregnant) when I confirmed it and everyone else recognized what I already knew. I cried, I imagined all the sacrifices I would have to make, and I knew whatever I chose my life would never be the same.
At first I considered keeping the baby, but then I changed my mind. I had so much I needed and wanted to do: get my own place, learn to drive, get a promotion, lose weight/get healthier, travel, get married and just enjoy more carefree life. My partner needed to finish school.
I wasn’t willing to give up my life, or my dreams. I know that should be enough, but I felt that I didn’t “fit” into people getting an abortion. It seemed that people either had clear reasons they couldn’t support a child, or already had a family to consider, or didn’t want children ever. I just… didn’t want to … right now.
An abortion changed me. I believe everything changes us. For better or worse.
So far, mine has taught me so much, and made me feel the fullest range of emotions.
While I write this, I have just taken the first pill for my at-home medication abortion. I’ve made my choice. I choose me.
I’m so lucky to live in the UK, where at-home medication abortion is free and legal.
I’m five weeks and three days GA, I’ve been pregnant for 22 days.
I wrote my embryo a letter, lit a candle and said a prayer/meditation.
Here’s the letter:
Dearest Valentine, Thank you for coming into my life and providing me with this experience. You have made me look at myself in ways I never have before – you have made me confront my shadow and my fears. I will live my life fearlessly now, in memory of you.
This is not a goodbye, just a see you later. Thank you for showing me I will one day be a mum, and how excited you are to meet me. Come back in a few years. For now, go home and look down on me – I’ll become the best version of myself for you.
I will mourn that you cannot join me now, but I trust that you will come back at the right time. Go home in peace, until I have prepared a place for you in.
All my love always, Mum x
Internet stranger: You are not alone. You are so brave for choosing you. Life will unfold as it’s meant to. Forgive yourself and grow from the experience. I have you in my heart.
