Not ready

by Cheyenne

May 2, 2019

I found out I was pregnant after missing my period two months in a row. I wasn’t keeping much track because I was having a stressful time at home with an abusive mother/daughter relationship and I was moving out for the first time with my boyfriend. But after I realized, it took me a few days to mentally prepare and muster the courage and talk to him to get a pregnancy test. I took it, those blue lines seemed to have shown up as soon as the first drop of pee landed on that stick. I absolutely lost it. Lost. It. After a very long conversation, it was agreed to go under the procedure. I was 23. I didn’t have any money so we asked his mother to help. She happily did since she’s had to go through it too. It’s was $400 and a drive halfway across Florida but we made it to the clinic which was starting to swarm with people protesting. Nobody touched us, but they would’ve been damned if they didn’t try to change my mind.

I had agreed to take the pill at first, but had to switch to the procedure because I would’ve been required to drive back to the clinic so they could give me a checkup, something I couldn’t afford. The best part about it was meeting the staff. This one nurse who was pregnant with twins made me feel so much better because even though I felt some shame, she told me how brave I was for making this decision. I was only nervous because I’ve never have gone under a legit medical procedure like this, I was all by myself with support physically but mentally I was on my own.

I have a type of….parasitic phobia when it comes to pregnancy. It’s hard to explain. I’ve had it since I was barely 5 and the sight of a Gerber commercial sent me bloody screaming into my room. I don’t know how I got this fear but I’ve always been taunted for it. I felt great shame because I never wanted to really have kids and everyone around me always said “Oh, you will.” I’m 24 and I still have no interest. But the chance that I get in life, I want to adopt more than anything. That’s another thing I have been taunted for, “Why would you want to adopt a kid instead of have one of your own? You don’t know if there’s something wrong with them. They’re also expensive and hard to even get.” I just so happen to be adopted myself. What a funny coincidence.

I know that if I had that baby, I would’ve had to give it up. I am not mentally stable at all or enough to withstand having a child. Unfortunately I would be too repulsed to even think it was my own and that is the one thing I am truly ashamed of. I don’t carry that mother’s instinct and love that a normal person has. I always felt like a monster because of it. I would’ve wanted to make sure that baby has a better life because I simply cannot give it one. Mentally, physically, financially, or morally. How many children are in foster homes around the world waiting for someone to care about them? Now, how many people are saying that they would rather have their own and that they reject the idea of adopting? Both answers are: a fuck ton.

I knew for a fact that if I brought that child in this world in general I would never forgive myself. It would have never have had a good fate no matter if I was in it or not. I know the soul will travel to another part of the universe and will probably end up in a different body. For all I know spiritually my child could be walking the earth now. I feel great excitement and great remorse for what they will endure in their life.

This procedure and entire topic has been so blown out of hand in the name of people who don’t suffer like we do. We are the people who have to suffer because we know it’s better to follow the cycle of life; but the idea of being able to change that is like what can make us God’s, which is now to them ungodly. What people don’t realize is that this decision takes such a huge part of our soul away from us. Women don’t don’t his just because they don’t want their child. We do this so we know for a fact that our children do not suffer. But unfortunately people are not actually intelligent enough and too wrapped in the false idea to grasp the concept because the world is very beautiful for them and sometimes only them.

I share no remorse but only grief that this is a decision that makes people like me a monster when there are real monsters out there. But what do I know? I murdered a sack of cells.

I am so grateful and thank any and every deity in the universe that I was lucky enough to be graced with this option. I know a lot women cannot say the same and I just want to scream, cry and hug them because they can’t for their own reasons. This topic needs to be addressed for what it really is. Choice. Not obligation.


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