Not quite yet

by Anonymous

June 11, 2020

The middle of February, I thought I was just PMSing. My breasts hurt, I was hungry, but something was different. I was spotting, but didn’t think much of it since I spot a day before my period. But I still had the instinct to take a pregnancy test.

It was positive. My boyfriend and I had only been together for 6 months and were still establishing ourselves in the world. I’m also healing from years of sexual, verbal, physical and mental abuse. One of my goals is to be a mom some day… but I want to feel my mental health is in a better place before I do.

So I knew, when I saw the test become positive, I knew I had to get an abortion. I wasn’t ready. I’m not financially stable either, so that’s also a factor.

So, I went on my birthday trip which was a week long to go camping. I did okay. I was nauseous sometimes, but it wasn’t too bad. Parts of me just wanted to stay pregnant. But I knew that the second I got back home, I had to make the appointment. By the time everything was set up , I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I kept a picture of my sonogram because it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to give up.

Although I eventually lost my appetite for everything, had vitamin deficiencies, was constantly, 24/7 nauseous, was losing my hair like crazy. I still would’ve loved to keep it.

But I’m an aspiring helicopter pilot, and I want to get that situated so I can take my baby on flights with me when they’re big enough. 2 days after my first appointment, I went in for the procedure because I didn’t want to have to back.

At first I was like “Wow I’m not nauseous anymore. I can eat.” I immediately felt relief from my symptoms.

The next day, I was depressed. I felt an emptiness inside me that I’d never felt. I also described it as “I miss it” as if I’d known it. I really did miss it.

3 months later, I’m sad. And I still feel the emptiness. But I’m also very okay with my decision because I’m doing good things for myself that will allow me to be the best mom I can be when I am ready for a baby.

This has been hard and not being able to talk about it with anyone other than my boyfriend has been hard. I don’t feel ashamed, but I have people on my Facebook and social media who post about abortions as murder, and I let it get to me. I’ve always just wanted to talk about it.

It’s not my time just quite yet… but it will be. And I’m proud of every woman who makes this choice for herself no matter the situation. Because it’s not a walk in the park.

Thank you for allowing me to share some of my story

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