My partner and I had agreed that we did not want children, however, we never had an understanding about how we would handle an unplanned pregnancy. Up until the moment I was pregnant, I never thought I wanted to have a baby. That all changed when I saw the positive pregnancy test, and seeing the little kidney bean shaped blur on the sonogram only confirmed that I so very much wanted THIS baby.
My partner did not change his mind. My partner shut down and did not have the ability to emotionally or physically support me. His body physically manifested his emotional state and he became very ill as his autoimmune diseases began to flare up. He could barely look me in the eye when we spoke about it. Whenever we did speak about it, it was a fight. There was no changing his mind. I felt so alone and so unsupported.
Our conversations around the topic confused me; my partner was clear in stating that he did not want the child, and that by having the child, we would most likely wind up separating, but that even if we did, he would pursue custody. I immediately began to feel very confused and trapped. I panicked because I have chosen to go no contact with my family and would not have had the societal, familial, emotional and financial support I desired for my baby. Life would be very difficult for us. As the days progressed, I became very ill; I was so sick and became very weak. I was losing .2 lbs/day. I felt like I couldn’t provide my child with the life they deserved; even my body was breaking down on me/us.
I had a dark night of the soul on a Thursday night. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I could barely move, but I was restless. I came to realize the very harsh truth of my situation: I could not have this baby. I did not have the means to give my child the life I felt they deserved. It felt selfish of me to ask this innocent, beautiful life to start their own life under the duress of otherwise difficult and challenging circumstances.
I want people to understand that my decision to abort my pregnancy came from a place of love – for myself and my child. I explain to people that I lost my baby simply because it’s easier to say that than to try to explain why I ended a pregnancy I never knew I wanted. I loved my child so much that I felt as if I had to protect them from the cruelties of this lifetime. I loved my child so much that I knew they deserved more than I could give them. I do not regret my decision, but I do miss my baby.
