I was 30, and a year earlier was dumped and ghosted by the man I thought was going to be the love of my life, husband, father of my children etc. It was a terrible bereavement; I had a bit of a breakdown, had to go to therapy, and felt an incredible sense of loss for a life I thought I’d have.
After a year, I decided to the only way to get over it was to throw myself back into the dating world and I hit online dating hard. I felt vulnerable and chaotic and got into all sorts of fun but ultimately desperate entanglements. I got pregnant during one of two casual encounters, I wasn’t sure which. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I needed an abortion. I felt very calm and matter of fact about it. I told the guy who I was 70% certain was the father; he told me if I had the baby he’d either kill himself or move abroad, which only served to solidify my mind.
The abortion itself was hard; I reacted badly to the medicine but at every point, from phoning the clinic to walking into the appointment, from telling my housemates to telling my mother and my boss, I felt absolutely no shame, guilt, or difficulty. It felt very matter of fact – I was pregnant, I had an abortion, I carried on with my life. I think my very strong pro-choice beliefs meant that I didn’t feel the stigma that a lot of people do.
