New Romance, Financial Instability, and Lavender

by Marie Fred

January 5, 2023

I had a first date with a guy I’d been FaceTiming with from Florida for 8 months. I was out of a very horrible and emotionally abusive 4 year relationship. When the ex found out about the relationship he was upset and harassed me begging me back to him. He was also a police officer so the reality of my life being in danger had a very high probability.

The guy I’d been talking to finally came into town. I had an amazing time and we ended the night with amazing sex and unfortunately my period app was wrong. I was ovulating on the same day.

The next day, I checked my period app and it regenerated and we had unprotected sex on my ovulation week. I check last week and it said I was nowhere near it!

My heart sank. I knew a plan B wouldn’t save me because I was already ovulating.

I turned to him in the car after we got in from leaving the restaurant. “My chart is off. It says I was ovulating. I could get pregnant, but I will do what I have to do. I can’t have a baby. I barely have money and I’m still in school. I have no reliable family. I’m alone.”

He hugged me and said, “Don’t worry, everything will be okay. Whatever you choose I will be here with you. I care about you a lot and it’s my fault too. I’m sorry.”

A couple weeks go by, it’s the 3rd of July, and I notice my body changing but I look amazing. My friends who never really reply to my pictures on social media reply to them. “Wow you’re glowing!” “You look so beautiful.”

I look great but my boobs feel like weights and I notice my period hadn’t come yet. I go to a 4th of July party and people are going on about me in this tight fitted sundress. I don’t wear a bra cause my boobs are perky and I’m around close friends and I felt fucking HOT!

My pelvis is killing me though. My lower back and stomach feel achy. I talk to my sister about it and she says to our cousin “She’s pregnant with my niece!”

I tell her, “Bitch shut up! I’m not!” I go home after the 4th of July party and I take a test. The guy I’m dating is in the phone cause he’s back in Florida for work.  It’s positive. I drop the test and I hyperventilate. He tried to calm me down. I’m not crying but I want to.

I couldn’t be too loud cause it was late and I didn’t want to wake my roommates. I go to my room and lay on my bed starting at the ceiling. “What the fuck! What the fuck! Damn it! I have to get an abortion. I have no other choice. My life is already hectic and uncertain.” He tells me he’ll come back as soon as I decide to pay for it if I want it done. “I want an abortion. I can’t have this baby.”

He flies back and is with me every step of the way. I’m 4 weeks pregnant. I caught it early because I was so afraid of being pregnant and not catching it early enough to get it taken care of.

We find a planned parenthood. It’s $500, he takes care of it. The first one we went to by mistake and anti-abortion protesters were out front with their children. I didn’t think this was real until I witnessed it myself. I said to him, “It’s a Thursday, do they not have jobs? Fucking losers.”

We get to the right planned parenthood and it’s in the beginning of the pandemic. Only one person can come in for the appointment. Friends, boyfriends, and others are not allowed inside. The lady was serious, not kind, but I knew this was a serious job and during the pandemic. I didn’t take her harshness personally.

I sit there for almost 2 hours. I listen to music and watch YouTube. Texting him and giving him updates as he sat in the car outside.

I freak for a moment sitting there and I thought, “Maybe this is a mistake.” I let the front desk lady know I will be right back. She says that I will be next and to not be gone long.

I go to the car and speak to him and he says, “I just don’t think it will be a good idea again. You have to finish school and I live in Florida for now. I don’t want you to resent this, me and the baby, and be miserable your whole life.”

I was upset he said it but it was true. I left and came back to the clinic. They call you by color and I was lavender, which took me by surprise because that’s my favorite color. I’m religious so I didn’t know if this was a sign from God that everything was okay or if I should turn back. I was seeing weird signs leading up to this day. I got $7.77 as a total as I went to the store I always go to for snacks. Surprisingly enough it’s an Angel number which mean that a baby was coming or new life was upon me.

They gave me my abortion pills to take home. I got a little ultra sound picture. I wanted to see him or her. It was tiny and didn’t really see much but I kept the photo. Everyone in the back of the clinic was nice and the NP who checked me out was very kind. She asked me about my guy I was dating and I told her and she said he sounds like a great guy and you should stick with him.

The abortion pills were brutal. I felt like my body was ripping apart. I was scheduled for an online check in with a NP through Planned Parenthood. It was comforting and informative they answered all of my questions and were very nice.

I didn’t tell a lot of people of my abortion. Just one friend and my sisters.

I don’t regret it but I do think of what could have been but if it was meant to be then it would be.

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