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Never thought I would

by Marley

April 29, 2019

I had started feeling fatigued and ill and just all over rundown. I missed my period, but I’m not totally regular so I wasn’t any more worried than usual. I was positive I wasn’t pregnant. But my boyfriend wasn’t so sure. I finally took the test and inwardly collapsed. It was heart stopping to see the positive result.

I was 23. We were living in my boyfriends childhood bedroom with our 1.5 year old dog. He wasn’t working and was trying to finish school. I was waitressing. We’re both in a ton of student loan debt. I was fortunate to be on my parents health insurance, but the network didn’t extend far enough to where I was living.

 

I always wanted to be a mom and create my own family but this was not what I had in mind.  We weren’t prepared, we weren’t ready, and I didn’t want to repeat my parents’ mistake. (Quick side bar: they only knew each other 3 months before my mom became pregnant. They’ve stayed together this whole time, but I didn’t want my relationship tied to a surprise pregnancy.) Even still, I was 100% keeping it at first because while I am a big believer in a woman’s right to choose, I thought I would always keep a surprise pregnancy just because of how badly I want to be a mom (and that happens to be a pattern in my family.)

It took me 3 days to decide. But I finally recognized that I was filled with dread. I wasn’t happy or joyful or excited. I didn’t want anyone to know. My decision to continue with the pregnancy was based on what I thought I should do and what my parents would think (they still don’t know, but my boyfriends family does.)

It was the hardest decision of my life. It took a while for me to get comfortable with it. It’s been a year and half since the abortion. In that time, I got an actual job with a salary and health insurance, we moved into our own apartment and I started going to therapy.

It was a hard time to get to where I am now. But I don’t regret my choice and I am happy everyday that I found enough strength to do it. I’m lucky to have a supportive boyfriend and friends that rallied behind me. I’m grateful to the other women who went through the same experience and took the time to talk to me.

I won’t lie. I’m crying while writing this. It was a big moment in my life, but I wouldn’t change my decision for the world.

Abortion truly is freedom and all women deserve the choice.

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