Never did I think I was marching for something I would experience. I just never thought I would be in a situation where I would need this medical procedure.
Protesting for reproductive rights for as long as I can remember, the right to our bodily autonomy is a no brainer. Although I had never experienced abortion, I have always advocated for reproductive healthcare for our community as it is a core belief of mine that abortion is a human right. In our small city I organized a ‘Bigger Than Roe’ rally on the anniversary of the passage of Roe v. Wade on January 22nd. Through my job, I represent our organization at Planned Parenthood national partner Zoom calls. Keeping up to date on abortion access throughout the U.S., I read any article, subscribe to the newsletters, read the books, anything I can get my hands on about abortion access to learn more about how I can support those in my community. But never had one thought that this procedure would save my life.
Our story starts with zero inkling of a pregnancy. Absolute delusion as to what was happening to my body. When I was younger, I always thought I would know if I ever became pregnant. Throughout sexual relationships in high school and college, I always thought if I was pregnant, some inner voice in my head/my subconscious would just let me know like a lightbulb moment. We’re so in tune with our bodies, we would know if there was that big of a change right? Where in the world did my young brain even get that idea? That information was completely false.
After being with my partner for a year and a half, one day I woke up with red eyes. Not itchy, just completely bloodshot in both eyes. After three days, I called the eye doctor who prescribed eye drops for possible pink eye with instructions to stop wearing contacts and only wear my glasses. With no change after a week and annoyance with my glasses, I went into the eye doctor who ran some tests and said they weren’t sure what was going on but for me to take different eye drops to get rid of the redness. I took the drops home and went on my way. Perhaps I am experiencing one of those rare medical mysteries.
During this week, my period was late. I attributed the missed period to the stress of not knowing what was causing the red eye mystery and the fact that I was moving out of my solo apartment and in with my partner for the first time. Who doesn’t occasionally have an irregular period? It happens. Red-eyed me and my partner of a year and half and I moved in together, so in love with each other and this home we were creating. The next week we were headed out on our first international trip together. Maybe all this change was what was keeping my period at bay?
Still confused about the red eyes and not seeing any improvement, I decided to visit a new eye doctor before our trip. They looked at my eyes again and this time asked if they could run some STI tests as red eyes can be a symptom of chlamydia. Out of nowhere, my emotions skyrocketed and went from zero to one hundred. I felt this overwhelming, uncontrollable sob within seconds of their question. Out of character for me as I rarely cry. “Do you think my partner is cheating on me,” I asked through my sobs. We had just moved in together, I couldn’t handle this. My partner and I are in a monogamous relationship and so in love that this was the last thing I thought when going into the doctor’s office. The eye doctor’s face turned pale as they probably did not expect this extreme emotional response. They calmly replied, “We are just trying to figure out the cause of the redness and want to rule things out. You do not have to take the tests if you don’t want to.” Agreeing, I took the STI tests and then sat in the chair and sobbed uncontrollably when the doctor left to take the tests to the lab. They came back in with tissues and said they let me know about the test results in a few days but still had no idea what was causing the redness.
The STI results came back negative and we headed out on our trip. Glasses over my red eyes and eye drops packed, I didn’t feel any stress and was excited for this time relaxing with my incredible partner. As I put on my bikini for our first swim in the ocean, I was shocked at how big my boobs were in the top. They were so big that my nipples almost popped out of the top piece. Didn’t I wear this bikini top last summer? I excitedly thought maybe it meant that my period was about to start. Woo! It was annoying to have to wear my glasses on the beach. I missed my contacts but my eyes were both still so red, the glasses stayed on.
The first evening we had two casual beers with dinner and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and ran to put my head in the toilet, vomiting profusely. I was throwing up like I had woken up from a night of partying in college. Didn’t we only have two beers? Was it food poisoning? We had eaten the same food and my partner was feeling fine. Again, I never ever thought I could be pregnant. My mind constantly went to any other avenue of thought. Not even trying to avoid the thought of pregnancy, it just never even thought it was a possibility.
While we walked around the small town, I was nauseous at the smell of cooked chicken. Which was hard because there was chicken cooking everywhere in the town we were in. We didn’t drink at all that day. For lunch, my partner ordered chicken while I held back throwing up at the smell, telling myself to not overthink it, and tried to eat some cooked rice. The next day, after a night of no drinking, we went out on a snorkel tour around the island. As soon as the boat took off from the beach, I worked so hard to not throw up on the boat. I’ve never been seasick in my life but maybe I suddenly am now? When we dropped down into the water with our snorkels, I swam away from the group, took my snorkel off to immediately puke in the water. Is this a multiple day hangover from our two beers the other evening? Food poisoning?
Even while being mysteriously sick, my partner and I had an incredible trip together. But on the flight home, I started to feel nauseous again. I felt guilty as I hogged the airplane bathroom to vomit. Seasick and now maybe airsick, both for the first time? Sure, I guess that happens to people.
When we got back home, my favorite sweatpants didn’t fit, the elastic band hurting my stomach. Nauseous still, I cut the banding, ruining my favorite pair without a care in the world. I must just have had too much food on vacation and am bloated.
After puking through the first few days being back home, I finally called my mom to tell her what had been happening. She immediately said, “That sounds like morning sickness. Have you taken a pregnancy test?” My heart stopped. The missed period. The extreme emotional rollercoaster. I quickly googled “red eye, pregnant?” and sure enough, multiple sources read, hormonal changes during pregnancy can sometimes cause red, dry eyes. I told my partner and we went to buy some pregnancy tests together. Our conversation there and back felt mindless trying to break the tension by commenting on a cute dog here or there or pointing out pretty homes in the neighborhood.
When we got home, I immediately went to the bathroom and peed on the stick. I will point out, taking a pregnancy test is similar to a COVID test in that, when it is positive, it tells you immediately. There’s no need to “wait 15 minutes.” That tiny plus sign shot up so fast, almost before I could even set the pee stick down. I stared at myself in the mirror. What in the what was happening? Is this real? Am I really alive right now? Are we in some sort of simulation? My partner patiently waited outside the bathroom door of our small apartment. I was nervous to tell him or even see him. Both of us did not want kids but that didn’t make this any easier. I didn’t want to have to tell him about the plus sign. I didn’t want to have to tell myself. I didn’t want to see the plus sign. To have to make this choice. To exit the bathroom and tell him what was going on. I knew the moment I stepped outside the bathroom all of this would become more real. I stared at myself in the bathroom and only saw myself. Myself as a human body that was still sick with morning sickness and in no shape at all to be a mother.
“Are you ok in there Boo?” my partner quietly said with worry through the door. I came out and told him I was pregnant. The weight of the past few week’s red eye mystery, not knowing why I was throwing up, the stress of the missed period, all coming to a crumbling sob in his arms. He immediately said all the right things. There with me through whatever I chose and he would be with me through the entire process. There was no question in my mind we would have to have an abortion. We were both still learning to be adults and were in no way ready to be a parent to someone else. Through tears I called our doctor and they said the soonest abortion appointment with anesthesia would be three more weeks out. Three weeks that I could not handle. Or we could have an abortion at the clinic without anesthesia in eight days. We opted for the sooner appointment and felt so grateful and privileged to live in a state with abortion access.
The date was January 22nd, the anniversary of the passage of Roe v. Wade and one year exactly from when we had organized the Bigger Than Roe rally in our city. The universe has interesting timing like that.
Those eight days before the appointment were the longest days of my life. Every minute that went by seemed to last a lifetime. It was as if time completely stopped. I was on autopilot just putting one foot in front of the other, giving myself grace with every step in my cut up sweatpants.
Coincidentally, at the time I happened to be reading Busy Phillips book This Will Only Hurt A Little where she describes her abortion experience. She says something along the lines of being a parent is hard and getting an abortion is also hard. Neither choice is easy. Reading about her abortion story and other celebrities online was comforting. On the other hand, reading anything anti-abortion or negative was absolutely out of the question in my fraile state. I journaled every day during this time and to this day those are still my most precious entries.
My emotions were an absolute rollercoaster. Once, the smallest thing in the world turned to me blowing up at my partner and sobbing. His patience, love, and support were such an incredible gift during this time and every day still. I was mad we were in this situation. I was mad we were going through this. I was mad that even though it took two to tango, I was the one throwing up in the bathroom all day and the one uncontrollably sobbing over the smallest things. Even though I was the partner physically going through this, he was there every step of the way, every second I never felt alone. It was nice during this time we both worked from home too so we were literally together through every step. Grateful for WFH as I was able to throw up between meetings in my own bathroom in peace.
When I hung out with my best friend the day after we took the pregnancy test, I waited til we were saying goodbye to tell her what I was going through. Even though we had marched at many reproductive rights protests together, even though she had spoken at the Bigger Than Roe rally I planned, I was afraid to say I was getting an abortion out loud. I was afraid. But just like the amazing friend she is, in that moment she was everything and more, saying all the right things and being right there for me. The next day she even dropped off a kit she made for me during this time, complete with flowers, my cravings of English muffins, and delicious juice. This act of kindness when I didn’t even know what I needed, made my heart so full and I am so grateful to have friends like this during my time. Someone outside of my partner and I’s bubble acknowledging that this is a hard thing in life to go through, was comforting.
A few days before the appointment, my mom and sister-in-law took me out to dinner for support. At the restaurant, an old Michael Buble song came on, which again sent me into zero to one hundred, intense sobbing out of the blue. Between sobs, I cried, “Can someone please change the song? Is this not depressing anyone else?” All the other restaurant attendees were oblivious to the song and thankfully also my sobbing. My mom and sister-in-law kindly rubbed my back and reassured me I was ok.
The night before our procedure, I got a call from our doctor’s office. Confused, I answered the phone. It was an abortion doula who would be with us during the appointment tomorrow asking if we had any questions or wanted to talk about anything at all. I started crying, again. I didn’t even know abortion doulas existed and was so grateful someone was checking in. I had no questions but was grateful to speak with someone who would be with us during the appointment.
When we initially scheduled the abortion, I had this weird thought that I didn’t want my boyfriend to come with me to the appointment because I didn’t want him to see me like that. I almost wanted to protect one of us from the process. Thank God he quickly changed my mind. Spending the days together leading up to the appointment, knowing he was physically and emotionally right there with me through the entire process made me feel so much better. It was an emotional day from start to end with no regrets or thought that we were making the wrong choice. The abortion doula held one of my hands while my partner held the other during the procedure. Even with the medication they gave me to relax me and help with the pain, it still was the most physically painful procedure I have ever been through. I cannot imagine going through the experience without the abortion doula. Throughout the entire procedure, she was so trauma-informed, explaining everything to me before it happened and what to expect. Immediately afterwards she held me in a long hug while I sobbed. In that moment, a hug from someone who knew what I was physically going through was exactly what I needed.
I told my abortion doula that I was forever grateful for her and wished everyone who needed an abortion could have an abortion doula with them through the process. She said, “I just wish everyone had access to abortion.” Me too doula, me too.
