Neither of us wanted a baby – but it didn’t stop them from abusing and making me feel guilty for having one.

by Isabella

May 24, 2021

Content Warning: emotional abuse

I had freshly graduated from high school when I found out I was pregnant.  At that point, I had been with my ex for over a year and everything felt like a dream until I graduated. I didn’t realise at the time but that was when the emotional abuse started.

My emotions were all over the place, I was extremely emotional and sensitive. And my partner invalidated every emotion I felt and expressed. They made me feel like everything was my fault, and for a moment, finding out I was pregnant was a blessing because it explained my sudden shift in emotions – as bad as it sounds, I thought the blame would shift onto my pregnancy.

When I told them, I felt excited; I was excited because I thought the emotional torture was going to end and that everything would go back to normal. Instead, the abuse only got worse from there. From the get go, I knew I wanted an abortion. I justified it to myself and everyone who knew that it was because I wasn’t ready, that I had been drinking and partying my whole pregnancy, and that I was about to start university. But deep down I was terrified of my ex becoming a parent and the legal actions I would face from their family if I didn’t allow them to be involved with the child. I didn’t want my child to be around someone like them.

Neither of us wanted to have a baby, but it didn’t stop them from making me feel horrible about it. I was so lucky and privileged to have my family behind me to support me through my pregnancy and abortion. And to have a government and healthcare system who were pro-abortion; providing me with the best access to care straight away (My home state in AUS, has very liberal laws). But even with all that, I felt alone because my partner never once supported me. I had to beg them to just see me for 30 minutes after my abortion.

Ten months later, I expressed to my partner that having an abortion was difficult and I would’ve loved some support from them. We ended up having a fight over the phone because of it, they accused me of invalidating their mental health issues and called me a bitch for wanting some support.

I hope one day, I will feel the same happiness and joy others around me have felt before through pregnancy, as I have always wanted to become a parent. Although it doesn’t take away the fact that having the abortion was the best decision I’ve made and ultimately saved my life. I am just glad that I never have to see my ex again.

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