My truth (still explaining myself)

by Julia

February 8, 2021

I had an abortion. I am a female human, I have a female body and this body gets pregnant from having sex. And no I didn’t want to get pregnant. And yes these facts had never been that clear to me before. If you feel like it, call me dumb.

I thought about the night this must have happened and I thought about the moment and no there wasn’t one of us (having sex) thinking about anything like that because if we would have thought about babies, there wouldn’t have been anyone having sex.

And yes I went a long way before that of using all kind of different contraceptives making me having bad skin, getting bigger breasts, making me feel unsexual and ugly. Contraceptives they telling your body it’s pregnant the whole time. Not so nice when actually being pregnant felt like hell to me.

It surprised us. And I am lucky, that I can say us. But also I feel kind of angry reminded on what every physician pointed out to us “oh a sweet young cis-family, why wouldn’t you want that?”. But don’t want to go there…surely I’ve been thankful that he’s been there. We thought about it a lot. Like 24/7 and then time had run off. The ending argument was: I want to decide when and if I want to have kids. And I still don’t know if I want to. And I don’t think (for myself) it’s right having a baby that I don’t really want. I don’t think that’s love. I know for the girl I still was it has been the right decision even if she hated herself a really long time. She stopped believing in herself and in herself making good decisions. Fortunately talking about the past.


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