I promised my self I would tell my story after my procedure as I read through so many leading up to my surgical abortion. I did read some real horrifying stories that terrified me. And positive stories that honestly eased my nerves knowing that there are women who are in  very similar situations as myself. Being in a position like this (no matter what the circumstances) is never easy and it’s sad that we feel like we have to hide it or feel shame about it. Going through it myself made me realise how many women face this awful decision everyday. If you have found yourself doing the same, you are not alone. And I am here writing this in hope you can find comfort and relief through my experience.

Before I get into detail I will just mention that it took me 2 attempts to get though this. I have a HUGE fear of vomiting and also being sedated. It sounds quite silly but these two things I fear more than anything in this world. My first appointment I booked two days before my birthday. On the day I couldn’t manage to step foot out my front door. I was terrified of what was going to happen and being my first pregnancy I had no idea what to expect. I never arrived and instead tried to ignore the problem, hoping it would just go away on its own.

Just over a month ago I found out I was pregnant. I had no idea, I knew there was a minor possibility but I didn’t feel any different. In the beginning I had no symptoms (other than a missed period) and I never had that feeling some women say you have when you “just know” your pregnant. The father was my ex boyfriend of 5 years, My high school sweet heart. I ended the relationship 4 months ago, although we still kept in contact. We slept together a few times since separating, it’s very easy to fall back into old habits. Out of all the times we had slept together during the five years it was this time I fell pregnant.

After getting blood tests done by my doctor which confirmed my pregnancy, I decided to tell my ex boyfriend. We discussed our options and how we felt. When we were a couple our goal was to eventually own a home and start a family. Having kids was something we both wanted in our future. I won’t speak on his behalf but I believe with our situation and the position we were both in we were not financially, mentally or emotionally prepared to raise a child. I was 19 when I found out (spent my 20th birthday pregnant). Unemployed and it was still recent since I moved out of my ex’s place. I was not stable. I knew I couldn’t bring another life into the world when I’m still trying to better my own. One of the biggest pieces of advice I can give is when you know what decision is best for you follow through with it as soon as possible. Do not drag it on. The more time I spent pregnant the more I grew a love for the little “blob” that was growing inside of me and it affected me badly. So after ignoring my pregnancy (because I didn’t want to have to make a decision) I woke up one morning and reality hit me. I knew I couldn’t provide the baby with the best possible life where I am now. So I didn’t hesitate and before I even lifted my head off my pillow I phoned the clinic and booked the soonest appointment. I was locked in, Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve came. My appointment was at 7:30am. I was fasting from the night before. Because of my fear of being sedated and vomiting I searched for any other possible was to terminate and avoid the anesthetic. I have a very poor pain tolerance and anything medical makes me anxious. I heard of some really traumatic experiences via medical abortion and also with the local anesthetic and a surgical abortion (meaning you’re awake during the procedure). I was told the pain was something you won’t forget. So I wasn’t left with any other choice but being sedated during the surgical abortion. I was facing one of my biggest fears and I was terrified ! So I arrive at the clinic and speak to reception as you do at any normal doctors surgery. Me and my support person were seated in the waiting room. My support person was my best friend. Although different circumstances she had gone through this before and she was a massive help. When booking the appointment I was told to prepare for a total of 4-6 hours spent at the surgery, from the time you arrive until the time you leave. It was early morning, there were other patients there but I was first to be seen. After 15 minutes of waiting the first doctor called me into a room where we privately went through the consent form. She took my height, weight, blood pressure, etc. she gave me a short run through of the procedure and sat me out in the waiting room where i waited to be seen by a second doctor. I didn’t really have any emotions by this time. I was waiting only for another 5 minutes and the second doctor called my name. He introduced him self, he explained that he was the doctor that would be performing the surgical abortion. We done a ultrasound. The machine was facing away from me so I had no view of what was on the screen. I was curious but knew it may of made things more overwhelming for me. so I decided not to even asked to see the screen. He went through the procedure with me and explained step by step. I told him about my fear of being sedated and he explained that the anaesthetist will be talking to me in minute and I could discuss further with him. At this time it hit me like a tonne of bricks and it only just started to seem real. I was an emotional wreck. The anaesthetist walks in and the doctor walked out. I stressed my fear to him and he assured him that everything was going to go fine. He explained that I would only be asleep for 10 minutes max and that he would wake me straight after the procedure. He also stressed to me that he does this daily and said it wasn’t worth worrying about because I will be fine. A female nurse interrupted and asked me follow her as she was taking me in for the procedure. By this time i had only arrived at the clinic just little more than a hour ago. I left the waiting room with out saying goodbye to my friend. I was not prepared or ready and very overwhelmed. I asked if I could have a few minutes back out with my friend to say goodbye and explain what was happening. The nurse agreed and walked me back out and told me she would give me a few minutes and then come and get me. I was crying uncontrollably, my emotions were everywhere and I was absolutely terrified of what was going to happen next. I spoke to my friend, she comfort me. Then the nurse came and collected me again. This was huge for me. I don’t even go to the dentist on my own and because no one besides patients are aloud in the procedure part I felt very alone. The nurse took me in this little room told me to undress and put on the paper gown they provide along with the paper socks and hair net. She closed the door and told me to open it when i was ready. I took a few minutes after I undressed to try and calm my self, then opened the door. I followed her into the operating room where it was all going to happen. My heart was racing, I couldn’t stop crying. I layed on the bed as instructed. The anaesthetist was there to my left. He put the IV drip in my arm and then i had an instant anxiety attack, right there on the bed right before getting sedation. I asked him to please not give me the anaesthetic yet as I needed a minute to breathe. He was fine with it and didn’t hesitate waiting for me. The female nurse stood next to me. I grew found of her because she was the only other female in the room. She asked me if I was sure about my decision and I said no, i wasn’t sure what I wanted. The anaesthetist offered me a oxygen mask to calm my nerves so I could breathe properly and make sure I was doing what I wanted. I took it, put it on. And unfortunately due to my low tolerance to everything the oxygen made me very sleepy and I was relaxed straight away. I looked up to the roof and I said to my self I can do this. The anaesthetist knew I was ready and began sedating me. I remember thinking if I keep my eyes closed when I open them next it will all be done. The nurse woke me up 10 minutes later and everything was exactly how they assured me It would be, just fine ! I was relaxed, not emotional at all, I felt like I was on cloud 9. And that was it. I faced my fears. I felt nothing but relief from the stress that I no longer had due to making this decision. The nurse walked me to the recovery room, in a recliner chair. She gave me my clothes and asked me to change when I was ready, then my antibiotics and then biscuits and a drink. I felt absolutely fine. I was in recovery for 15 minutes and the nurse called my support person to come to the door out side recovery and collect me. That took less than a minute. And just by 9 o’clock I was out of there and on my way home. Once I was home I slept for a couple hours while the anaesthetic wore off. I woke up and felt back to my normal self. Only a couple hours after the procedure. My pregnancy symptoms were disappearing straight away and I felt good.

It’s now Boxing Day. It’s only been 2 days since my surgical abortion and I can honestly say I walked out of that clinic feeling 10 times better then i felt when i walked in. Because i was expecting such a lengthy wait time i was in shock that it was happening a lot faster than i expected. The staff are so understanding and the environment you’re in is very calming. I wish I prepared my self emotionally before I arrived because I was very overwhelmed and anxious but after the procedure I realised that it was nothing threatening and all that worry I had was for nothing. I feel so at peace with the decision of terminating my pregnancy and I know I did it for all the right reasons. Everybody is different but I had nothing but very minor period like cramping on the first day and bloating. So far I haven’t  had any bleeding. My experience was definitely a good one. Of course no one wants to be in a position like that, I knew that it was the decision that was best for my ex, the baby and importantly, my self. I am so relieved I chose to be sedated (despite my fears) rather than being awake and aware of the pain during the procedure. Abortion is a massive thing to go through, it’s important to make sure your experience is made to be as comfortable as possible. Having a traumatic experience could really effect you later on, it best to make it the best it can be. If you are nervous about your surgical abortion or the sedation part i hope this makes your feel a little better. I’m sure if I can do it, ANYONE can do it