It’s been three months since I found out I was pregnant, three months since I had an abortion the same day a good friend gave birth to a beautiful girl, three months since I started processing something I never thought would happen. I’ve been a strong supporter of abortion for many years but always maintained that I didn’t think I’d have the courage to get one. But three months ago, when I got pregnant while on birth control, I made a decision that surprised me. My partner and I love each other dearly, but we’d been together for less than a year, we were not financially ready for another, and we both agreed we have so much living to do—together and individually—before we even want to talk about children, about raising a human in this world.
The decision was simple, but it wasn’t easy. Coming from a conservative religious background, the narratives I was taught growing up seeped back in to my consciousness. I no longer believe what I was taught, but I also know that I could have let the pregnancy continue and would have given birth to a baby that would have become a child that would have become an adult. I would have had a human. I wasn’t ready, and I wouldn’t have been able to give that human what I know they deserve.
In these three months, I’ve given myself more grace than ever before. I did something I never thought I would have to do. I mourned a future that could have been. I grieved a being that was there, and now isn’t. I said, “I wish you could stay” and “Thank you for visiting” and then I said goodbye. But I know in my bones that my—that our—decision was right for us and for the being that could have been born but wasn’t.
My story is still being written because I don’t know how this resolves. I don’t know if we will have children together. I don’t know if this is the only time I will be pregnant. All I know is that this time, we made a decision that allows us to build our future together. We made a decision that is fair to us and fair to everyone around us. We made a decision that allows us to choose if parenthood is right for us, whenever that may be. Just not right now, and that’s okay.
