My story is still being written.

by Anonymous

October 4, 2018

It’s been three months since I found out I was pregnant, three months since I had an abortion the same day a good friend gave birth to a beautiful girl, three months since I started processing something I never thought would happen. I’ve been a strong supporter of abortion for many years but always maintained that I didn’t think I’d have the courage to get one. But three months ago, when I got pregnant while on birth control, I made a decision that surprised me. My partner and I love each other dearly, but we’d been together for less than a year, we were not financially ready for another, and we both agreed we have so much living to do—together and individually—before we even want to talk about children, about raising a human in this world.

The decision was simple, but it wasn’t easy. Coming from a conservative religious background, the narratives I was taught growing up seeped back in to my consciousness. I no longer believe what I was taught, but I also know that I could have let the pregnancy continue and would have given birth to a baby that would have become a child that would have become an adult. I would have had a human. I wasn’t ready, and I wouldn’t have been able to give that human what I know they deserve.

In these three months, I’ve given myself more grace than ever before. I did something I never thought I would have to do. I mourned a future that could have been. I grieved a being that was there, and now isn’t. I said, “I wish you could stay” and “Thank you for visiting” and then I said goodbye. But I know in my bones that my—that our—decision was right for us and for the being that could have been born but wasn’t.

My story is still being written because I don’t know how this resolves. I don’t know if we will have children together. I don’t know if this is the only time I will be pregnant. All I know is that this time, we made a decision that allows us to build our future together. We made a decision that is fair to us and fair to everyone around us. We made a decision that allows us to choose if parenthood is right for us, whenever that may be. Just not right now, and that’s okay.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!