You could say I have it all… Great husband who’s life goal is to have children, stable job, our own flat. The perfect life, ain’t it?
Unfortunately, it ain’t. At 28, I’ve found myself pregnant. Yes, we talked about having a family, having at least two children. I was on the pill for quite a long time, decided to stop taking it. After 3 missed pills I knew it’s a mistake and said I wanted to go back on the pill once my next period comes (we had sex exactly two times while I was off the pill). That never happened. You know how they say it takes a while after your body gets to normal after taking the pill for almost a decade? It’s a lie, you can get pregnant straight away. I took several tests, all came back negative so I felt “Okay, periods can get messed up if you were on the pill so long, no biggie”. Imagine the surprise when all of a sudden it came back positive after 6 weeks (I’ve been doing the tests every couple of days).
I was mortified, cried in terror and had all of the reactions I’ve never wanted to have. Then the doctor confirmed it and I could feel the judgement when I said I’m not sure I want to keep it. I was simply not ready to become a mother. I’ve said several times before I’ve found out that I don’t want to have children yet and that I want to go back on the pill. I went to the first clinic afraid it might be too late. The whole place felt like a meat factory, no one really listened to you and the nurses came to your room and started to talk about their children. Sorry, what? No hard feelings, but what? Then the anaesthesiologist came, explained the procedure. Then I went to see the doctor. Who literally told me, I kid you not “Well, even if you’d pay extra, I don’t feel like doing this to you. Maybe if you’d be 35 with two children. Keep it and be happy.” What the fuck????????? I’m in an abortion clinic, based on my decision, so which part of me looks like I’m going to be happy?
I left crying and trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ll be forced to keep a baby I didn’t want.
After few moments the rational part of me kicked in and I’ve made an appointment in a neighbouring state. Cannot compare the approach – no judgement, no heartless talk…I’ve been explained the procedure and when I broke down in tears (not because I was not sure but because I was thinking about how’s it’s going to hurt my husband) I was told to go for a walk, go for a coffee and return if I wanted to. Or not. I came back. Because it was the right thing to do. I cannot imagine bringing an unwanted child into this world, I want to be a mother that feels like her child is the best thing that happened to her, not a mother that feels like her life was taken away from her.
Yes, it hurts. Yes, I’ve cried. Yes, I feel thousands of feelings at once. But no, I don’t regret it. I want to be the best mother I can, not one that becomes a mother just because “it happened”.
