My Story

I was a student at University he was too. We knew each other since 9th grade and were a couple for about approximately 8 years.

We didn’t have much money and I Was constantly fighting with depressive episodes. Didn’t know what I wanted or what I expected from life. I just wanted to be happy. Whatever that meant…

I was sick of using hormones against getting pregnant. So we decided to not take them anymore. I started to schedule my periods and got to know my body as it is. with its own cycles and hormones. I started to have more sex drive than before with the pill. And we enjoyed that both. We prevented pregnancy with condoms and it worked well.

Well…

Until it didn’t…

The condom was teared. And we went to pharmacy and gynecologist to get the ‘Pille danach’. They were not very friendly it was the weekend and they had prejudices and treated me bad.

1-2 weeks later I struggled with nausea and was really anxious that I might be pregnant though I took the pill.

So I bought a test and there it was. Positive. Pregnant. Tadaa!

My first reaction was happiness because I had the right intuition and because my body was able to create a human being and because it was unbelievable for me that this happened. Laughter in disbelief…

I could not stop myself and called my boyfriend. He was on his way home and nearly fell off his bike on the news.

I instantly knew he was panicking thinking about how life would change how to react and what to do…

For me that was the point where I forbid myself thinking about any possible way to keep the Baby. It Was no Baby. It was just coincidence. Just some cells. Less than the animals I worked with at University.

We only talked to his parents and a friend of mine who supported us in this decision. I didn’t talk to my parents or family because I knew they would force me to think about keeping the Baby. I didn’t want that. I wanted to keep my relationship healthy with the man I loved. Some cells in my body would no

Some cells in my body would not get in between this!

So I went to my gynecologist and he sent me to a clinic and it was done within 3 days (abortion pills). I had cramps and pain But I wanted the experience. I wanted to consciously go through it.

Since then I often thought how old would our child be? What would it be like? What kind of a mother /father /family we would have been …

But it was helpful to think that we could be family in a couple of years. After graduation. With a Job…

I started a Training as a Midwife. Maybe Because I wanted to know more about it… I don’t know. Life was ok. The Training was Hard But we had each other.

Until we broke up…

And then I realised that this family bubble I dreamed of was gone with him leaving.

It was even harder when he had a new partner and married her just After one year while she was pregnant.

I was really pissed and felt worthless and spit on.

And then I started to heal. I realised that it Was not his fault.

That I myself was not ready for the child and that I could be grateful not to be a mother while having high need episodes and still coping with depression now and then. That a child would suffer and that I would suffer as a person from having to carry this responsibility.

I can help all the families I work with. I can watch the kids growing and still have enough space and time for my needs.

This is my story.

It’s not the ‘she deserves abortion because she was raped’ Story. But it is also no story of force. It was my decision to not consider any other option. And I am glad I didn’t.