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My story :)

by Carme

May 9, 2019

Content Warning: unsafe abortion

Hello,

A little bit about myself, i must say i am a very attractive young woman and have received male attention since i am about 8 years old. I come from a hypersexualised, tense and slightly violent environment ( almost completely healed now) and would have “games” with the kids from school, childhood friends and neighbourhood friends. Don’t get me wrong those used to be fun but that is just to say i became aware of sexuality is at a very very very young age without forcibly being aware of what sex is and the impact that comes with it. At 15 i met my 21 year old boyfriend and was eager to lose my virginity. I used to watch lots of hentai from a very young age and the imaged portrayed in those was innocent sex. Sex wasn’t something to be ashamed of, you could be intimate despite it being a one time thing. On top of that he was always careful and really loving so i thought all guys were like him.

 

My mum, whom i love very much and wouldn’t dare to judge, just promoted the message that i should wait for sex till i got my master’s degree lol. She is from a middle class family in Cameroon that became really really poor when she was in her pre-adolescent age. My grandpa was a banker and/or a school director (i need to verify the info sorry) and he became really violent and frustrated. She comes from a family of 10 children and my grandma took upon herself to sell in the market to make ends meet. Mum is just as gorgeous and cute and had her first child at 16. It was my grandma who noticed that her body was changing, that is how unaware and naive she was. She didn’t receive proper sex education and after that she got pregnant and had abortion. Her logic was that, if i didn’t know it existed I would never be made aware of it. To her it was just no sex, i needed a masters degree to be able to have sex. It is later in life that she spoke about abortion but i understand it must have been hard for her to mention it, she is a devoted christian. I only told her i lost my virginity when i was 18 years old and she said don’t do it again lol as a joke, but insisted on the condom.

 

My dad was worried about getting money and we never spoke about sex until i was 20 which is when i had my first abortion. I have an open relationship with him and will always feel comfortable but I wish we had had the talk earlier. They had a very long, strenous and tough separation so i cannot blame any of them. I hope to raise my children in a loving, strong, healthy and stable home. I am really close with my dad’s parents and lived with them for a while. They both come from franquist society and sex to them is just for baby-making and you just don’t speak of it. I like to think my grand-ma promotes love-making but she doesn’t know how to express it. I genuinely wish i could change the effect of how the different religious teachings in general have been shared to the population. The ruling bodies of christianity etc. are just hypocritical pieces of shit. And instead of sharing a message of love and acceptance (shoutout Pope Francis) they promoted fear and judgement.

 

A fun fact is if i kept living with my grand-parents i would have made it to uni virgin, they are spanish and i have never even dared to have sex in Barcelona (still a virgin there guys lol). In Cameroon as i said the environment was tense and unhealthy but despite it never once had the worry or doubt that i would get pregnant or get any stds, it wasn’t even something to worry about. I went to university in the netherlands and i got pregnant for the first time there. I was not aware that my body was changing either and when i realised i was 6weeks pregnant i called the dad to be and we talked about it. He was a friend/sex-buddy/possible commitment material and I always kind of just trusted the guys to take care of the condom part and truth be told i ignored a little voice telling me i should take the pill. I did not listen to my intuition and paid the consequences. It was a medical abortion, the most intense pain i have ever felt.

 

After it i stopped having sex until i met a guy that kind of removed that blockage and i felt like it was alright to have sex again.  After that i dropped out of university, abortion not being the reason. University was really tough, living alone was really tough and i must say i was just really really naive. I moved back to Cameroon and had a year of limbo so from dec 2017 to june 2018 i was thinking whether to switch bachelors, go back to the netherlands or somewhere else or to just stop studying altogether. I came back home broken and with extremely low self esteem because i didn’t pass like i was supposed to. Now i look back and it was perfectly savable but at the time i was undergoing some extreme anxiety.

During that period I met a guy, and felt deeply in love. I think it was extreme infatuation, the guy had a girlfriend so we stayed friends but still had sex. He broke up with her and we had a healthy peaceful relationship for about a month and i got pregnant, he said he was ready if i wanted to keep the baby and at first i wanted to keep, he was the one but then i thought what the fuck will i tell my grandparents and i didn’t feel ready enough to own up to that. I was too young, too naive and had no clear direction of where my life was going and decided to have an abortion. He didn’t come with me and that procedure did not work. I had a surgical one in Cameroon in the worst possible conditions you can imagine. The worst part is there is worse that what i underwent.

It is illegal here, so my mum being out of the country asked a friend she trusted and i unfortunately must say one who is undereducated to find somebody in her circle. They were midwives who had been drinking, i underwent a walk of shame while looking for the person because the location was not known  and they were at the bar. Then i went into a barely lit room and they just freaking scraped and scraped and scraped and scraped, it never ended. All that to realise a few weeks later it had not worked. I had an abortion on my 21st birthday yaaay!

I was so in love with the guy, I knew he was the love of my life and with him we would build something fantastic. I look back and i was manipulated into that relationship, i don’t doubt he knew better (he was turning 25 in october that year). A couple of weeks later, he decided it was time to go back to his girlfriend with whom he had had a relationship for about 8 years now on and off (she lives in a different country).  When i realised the abortion hadn’t work i reached out to him and he broke my heart, he said i was the biggest mistake in his life and he said God would forgive all his sins but the one of living his girlfriend. I don’t doubt she was as manipulated as i was, still is, i genuinely hope she left him.

With a shattered heart i decided i was not going to raise a child in this environment but he thought i was going to keep no matter what because of how freely and openly expressed my love for him. So i was so desperate to have him in my life no matter what he said or how he treated me i was going to keep him. This time around i went to a professional gyneacologist (i have the means to afford one). The first time was a product of misinformation but i am glad i went through it bc i experienced the frustration of girls who cant afford proper care. Some get their uterus removed because they insert leaves just because it is cheaper. At 18 a girl knows she can no longer have a child, her family knows and if she comes from a strict home god knows what they do to her. Some are lucky and they are loved so despite poverty and desperation there is still love in this country. This time around, when i told him i was getting the abortion he wanted to come with me and i told him my dad was taking me and he didn’t come. I have never felt so much love coming from my dad, i still am living with him. Which also raises gynaecological violence, i never had the opportunity to talk with the doctor but it was a very invasive experience and it is a product of not getting proper education. He genuinely wanted to help and asked for feedback later but during the procedure he let himself get carried away i think. The fact that my dad was there with me helped the image he had of me. See people automatically respect whites. And women who abort are sex workers or immoral and go to hell.

A month later after this experience and feeling like the filthiest being to have ever walked this planet i had careless sex with a guy i knew. I had just come back from a 3 week backpacking experience in Mozambique where i thought i had healed but coming from home i was just ashamed of what had happened. The guy removed the condom while we were having sex and it was a really rough experience. I saw him remove it and i didn’t react. I took the pill of the day after and it didn’t work so i had my third abortion. I think it didn’t wok because my body was used to Ella One pill and i took a less strong one so it just didn’t trigger the hormones necessary. That is my theory or the stuff they sell to us here is just really shit.

 

This time around i ordered pills online and my dad god bless his soul had never showed me so much love. I think i am the luckiest person on earth. He took care of me all through the bleeding and the pain and now i don’t doubt what love looks like. I stopped having sex until i met a guy who seemed nice but turned out to be a liar but who was really careful during sex. And i just made the decision I am waiting for unconditional love to have sex again.

It took a while for me to come to terms with my recklessness and accept the fact that i was irresponsible however with proper sex education and openly talking about it my experience can be avoided which i hope to do when i get the opportunity.

To my baby souls, i am sorry and i hope you are in a better place. To my future babies, mum is getting ready lol.

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