My story

5 years ago today I choose to say goodbye to a child whilst my son was being discharged from hospital after being very poorly.

It was the start of 2016, I noticed I was getting bigger in places. I took a test and it was positive. I told my boyfriend, he told me he did not want the baby as he didn’t want any more children. He had 3, I had 2. At that point I realised I couldn’t keep the baby, I couldn’t be a single mother again, I couldn’t bring a child into the world that was not wanted by us both. It was not fair to anyone. I booked the appointment. I had no idea how far along I was. I had a scan, and to my relief I was very early on. My boyfriend cried watching the scan, I didn’t look. It made me angry that he did that.

Leading up to the date of the abortion, I was a mess, I hated my boyfriend, I hated the world, I always wanted more children, I wanted a proper family. We had many arguments, many tears. But he stuck with his choice and deep down I knew it was the right one.

At the same time, my brother had found out he was having a baby with his girlfriend, the babies were due at the same time. I found it incredibly hard to be completely happy for them.

Around a week before the date, my son woke up one morning feeling very unwell, he couldn’t breathe very well. I rushed him to the hospital, they rushed him in , put him on oxygen. He ended up in HDU, bedbound, with wires everywhere. They didn’t know what was wrong with him. In the moment my obvious focus was my son. With the date looming I was so unsure what to do, I didn’t want to cancel it and make the wait longer. After a few days my son got better and could breath alone. He was moved to a normal ward. The date he was being discharged was the date I was going for the procedure. I left him with his Dad and went.

The whole time I was there I was just wanting to get home to my son.

I remember looking at the other women in the room, just reading mags and thinking how can they be ok with this, I was a mess. I now know I was being judgmental, everyone feels differently.

I was getting ready for the surgery and one of the nurses asked me if I was ok. I told her about my son and how I just wanted to get home.

After the procedure, I woke up, feeling numb. Sat in this room, with all these other ladies. I remember one of them asking me if I was ok, I guess I really didn’t look it.

On the way home I didn’t say a word.

When we got home, I was happy to see my son. I was in some pain.

My boyfriend got a call that meant he had to leave me. That hurt. Sitting there alone, in pain, my son just come out of hospital.

Having the abortion has been a great loss to me, it ruined my relationship with my boyfriend. We finally broke up last year after years of stuff. I long for another child and he didn’t want that. I become bitter.

For years I felt grief, loss, guilt. I have had counseling.

But now I see that the relationship was not healthy, I wasn’t happy. The abortion was the right choice!

I now want to share my story , to make this subject less taboo.

I am now in a new relationship, very happy and we are planning our future. And children is one of them.