I do not regret my abortions in the slightest, but I resent my country for turning my most intimate moments of grief into a political debate
I’ve used the abortion pills three times. I needed these pills to save my life, and yet I still feel shame around it. My family doesn’t know and they probably never will.
The first time I was young, in an emotionally abusive relationship, and just got out of the psych ward a few months earlier due to a suicide attempt. I was in no way fit or ready to raise a child. This was before I found out about my blood disorder which causes me to have blood clots and I very well could have lost my life, or the life of the baby, had I continued the pregnancy. My blood disorder causes late trimester miscarriages, still births, and even death while giving birth. It is possible to have a healthy pregnancy, but not without expensive blood thinner injections multiple times a day.
So the second time I took these pills, close to eight years later, I was in an extremely new, yet loving, relationship. The weight of things being so new, our financial situations, plus this fear of what could happen if we tried to carry out the pregnancy due to my blood disorder, lead us to decide to have an abortion.
The third time, a little over a year later, with the same partner, I fell pregnant again, despite being on birth control. This time, before we could decide what to do, I miscarried while at work. I took the abortion pills to ensure that all of the tissue of the fetus left my womb. I was devastated because it felt like my choice was ripped away from me.
I am still with this same partner, in a loving and stable relationship. And I have never yearned for a baby more than I do now. But the fear of not having access to life-saving health care such as abortion, or not having the option to abort a pregnancy if the baby ends up dying inside me, will probably forever keep me from trying to carry a child. I feel resentful and fearful of the path our country is going down regarding abortion access. And the grief just keeps piling on, knowing motherhood may never be in the cards for me. I do not regret my abortions in the slightest, but I resent my country for turning my most intimate moments of grief into a political debate.