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My first love

by Anonymous

May 2, 2019

Content Warning: rape

I’ve always wanted to be a mother.

I was in this phase in life where I was starting to feel lonely. At first I thought I just wanted a boyfriend. I heavily believe in self love and the concept of being whole and happy on your own before committing to someone else.

The lonely feeling didn’t go away. As I sat up with myself night after night, I started to realize I didn’t want a boyfriend. In my head, and mind you, I come from a very loving GIANT Mexican family, I have close friends, I have generally had a good life, I went through adversity but I handled it well, I am an advocate for self love but for some reason I could not shake this lonely feeling. In my head, I really thought “omg I’m going to die alone, I’m never going to be a mother”.

I was 25.

This lonely feeling was me processing the idea of motherhood. I have to have a partner to do so, and I was now going on three years of the single lifestyle. In my head, I really told myself “you’re getting older, your chances of finding love and creating a family is slimming down”.

I prayed to god and asked him to make the loneliness go away. I ugly cried until I fell asleep.

Fast forward to a scary day. I was tired and asked a friend if I can crash on his couch. It was about 5 am on a random Tuesday. I was up three hours early for work and decided to go stay at a friends house nearby. I was dead ass asleep and woke up to someone taking off my pants. All I remember uttering was “please let me know when you’re done”. It gets blurry from there, I think I just don’t want to think about it. I ask myself daily why I froze and didn’t physically fight him. I remember thinking “no this can’t be happening to me. He’s my friend, it’s not rape but I never gave him consent, what is happening”.

Once he was done, after he busted a nut, I ran out his house so damn fast you would have thought I stole something.

I went into work like nothing happened.

After work I went to kaiser and asked for plan b. No more than 12 hours later. I was given something “like” plan b. I took it, and went about my day.

Seven weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I was 26.

I was in the process of getting new health insurance (since I was no longer covered by my parents).

I went to planned parenthood. THANK GOD FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

I got an abortion.

I wasn’t going to keep a baby I didn’t give consent on. I also wasn’t going to have a baby like this. In this time of my life.

I never knew I could love someone so much. The decision to have the abortion was easy and what was best. That baby that grew inside me was my second love. A love I’ll never forget. But my second love was not going to be brought into this world under these circumstances. I am my first love, and what I wanted was an abortion.

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