i had been with my boyfriend for almost a year at this point, i was 2 weeks away from my 19th birthday and i had found out i was pregnant. i had been sick, vomiting all day for the past 3 days thinking it was food poisoning or something until a little voice in the back of my head telling me to take a test. i took 3 tests because i was in denial. when all 3 came back positive, i broke down and sobbed for 2 hours straight.


i was young and scared. i had no money, working a shitty part – time job that paid in peanuts, and i didn’t know what to do. i called my boyfriend and told him, he was silent and didn’t know what to say. we were careful, we used protection and i was on the pill, but nothings ever 100%. we both agreed that we weren’t going to keep it, i knew never really wanted to be a mother anyways and his family would’ve disowned him for being so careless and unmarried.


i booked a doctors appointment for 2 days later at 7pm at my local clinic with a doctor i’ve never met before. the clinic was always so busy so i was lucky to be able to get one so easily. we both went to the appointment to support each other, we were scared together. the doctor made me pee in one of those plastic pee cups and then dipped the pregnancy test into it. we all saw the 2 lines come up immediately and i felt my heart sink into my stomach again. the doctor asked about when my last menstruation was and he calculated it to be around a 5 week pregnancy. he gave me my options and information on clinics i could get in contact with. he told me that i would have to get an ultrasound and gave me information to a clinic that bulk bills and the referral for it as well. we both left his office to the front desk where i was informed i’d have to pay $85 for that appointment. i didn’t have any money to pay them and neither did my boyfriend. i was panicking a little and she informed me that payment was specified before booking the appointment, which i did not see. i think she could tell i was panicked and handed me banking information for the clinic and told me i had a week to pay and then gave me an email address to send the confirmation to after i sent the money. i thanked her and we left.


i cried when i got home. we both did. we were scared and broke. i had my driving lesson and test the next day, which is what i had spend the last of my money on. i was feeling sick the entire time during the lesson with my instructor and had cold sweats during my test. i passed tho. i had told my coworkers and manager about my situation since we were all so close and 2 of them had shared their own experiences with me. i felt safe and comfortable sharing this information with them. one of them told me about this abortion clinic she went to. she gave me their information and which options they had and their prices. later that day i called them, we talked about my situation and my options. they told me that i could have the pill option for around $700, $400 if i used my medicare with it. she told me that i can be shipped straight to my door and it comes with instructions and emergency numbers if i need to call for any reason. she then told me about the second option, a surgical abortion. she told me that it’s free if i’m eligible for it and if it gets approved to be bulk billed. if i wasn’t, i’d have to pay $1000 out of pocket.


i went for the pill, seeing as how with my luck, i’d never be eligible for the surgical. she asked me if i was safe, and if it was my choice to do this, if anyone was pressuring me into doing it. i reassured her that it was my own decision and that it was my only decision from the beginning. she went over everything about what was going to happen and told me i’d have to get an ultrasound for them to make sure i wasn’t too far along, otherwise i would have to go for the surgical abortion. we ended the call after she had finished explaining everything to me and i called the ultrasound clinic straight after. the receptionist told me their next available about was 10 days away. 10 more days of this bullshit, great. the day comes around and i chug a bottle of water like they instructed me to do 1 hour before the appointment. i get there and they ask me to send them the referral from my doctor. as i’m doing that i can feel my bladder filling up and i’m hoping to get this over with so i can use the toilet. after what felt like an hour i finally get called in and the technician tells me to lie on the chair and lift my shirt. she has the screen turned away from me so i can’t see what she’s looking for. she tells me my bladder is too full and asks me to use the bathroom, she tells me to let go for a couple seconds until i feel like my bladder is half empty and then hold it in again. i come back and she tried again but she still can’t see what she’s looking for. she asks if i’m comfortable with her using an internal wand and i agree. it’s hard and cold and hurts when she moves it around in certain places but i soldier on because it’ll be over in a minute. she finishes up and asks me if i’d like photos, i kindly decline. i don’t want to see.


after we’re done she sends off everything to my doctor and then he sends it off to the abortion clinic and a day after i receive a call telling me that we can go ahead with payment. i had to borrow money from my friend, she didn’t mind as she knew this was a difficult time for me. i paid the $400 and 2 days later the package arrived with the pills and instructions in it along with emergency numbers. it was now Friday, 2 days until my 19th birthday, and my friend had surprised me by planning a small party at a restaurant for me since she was going away the next day for her annual family vacation. i had a great night celebrating with my friends up until some drunk guy decided to throw a glass at the wall next to my head because we were “being loud and annoying bitches”. heaven forbid people enjoy their lives. he was thrown out and we went back to being loud and annoying.


the next day rolls around and i have pills to swallow. the first one is a hormone blocker, it stops the fetus from growing. 36 hours later on my birthday (hooray) i have to take the other 4. they tasted like chalk and i had to keep 2 in each sides of my cheeks for 39 minutes until they fully dissolved. about 26 minutes in i projectile vomit everywhere. the pamphlet told me that might happen. i had to have one of my friends stay with me for the first couple hours incase i needed to be driven to the hospital from haemorrhaging which is something that can happen. the chalk pills quickly take affect and i can feel the cramping slowing starting to boil. 30 minutes later i’m in agony, strong cramping like i’ve never felt before causing me to cry while curled up in a ball. then the bleeding started, heavy bleeding. huge chunks of bloodied flesh* fall out of me into either the toilet or pads I had on. i replaced them as often as i could because i hate the feeling of sitting in my blood. long stringy bits of clotted blood staring back at me as i dispose of them in the bin. i got curious looking at one and picked it apart, running it under water to clean away the red until i had a light pink, flat but rounded piece of flesh that was covered in tiny red veins. i believed it could’ve been the placenta but i’m still not sure even to this day. i was so sure i would’ve seen a tiny little fetus somewhere if i looked more but i never found one. probably because there wouldn’t have been a fetus at all, at the stage i was at it could’ve still been various cells clumped together. i would’ve been about 7 weeks along at this point give or take a few days, so i’m not really sure what it would’ve looked like. i still have 2 photos of the “placenta” for some reason.

anyways, the bleeding and cramping lasted for about a week and a half. i had taken 4 days off work because i knew it would be to painful to go, and i was right. my friend bought my a teddy bear for being brave and my boyfriend bought me chocolates and took me out shopping and for a nice dinner to cheer me up and take my mind off it. i never told my parents, i don’t know what they’d think or how they’d react. i still haven’t told them and it’s been 2 years later. i don’t regret my decision. sure, it was stressful and painful and cost a lot of money, but i’m glad that i did it because i knew i didn’t want to be pregnant, i didn’t want to go through 9 months, i didn’t want to give birth, i didn’t want to be a mother. i made the right choice for myself and i wouldn’t change it. abortion is healthcare and should be accessible to everyone without restraint. it saved me from so much. physically, mentally and financially in the future. pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child is a hard thing to do and no one should be forced to do it if they don’t want to.

*SYA note: at this point in pregnancy the storyteller is seeing blood and tissue empty from the uterus at a 7 week abortion.