I got married in February and four months later, I became pregnant. I knew I was pregnant before I took my test. I had cramps, typically a telltale sign I was about to start menstruating,  but my period never arrived. When I saw the positive test I was so angry. I’d just been accepted to grad school to continue my education.

I walked out of the bathroom to tell my husband. I couldn’t say it aloud, so I led him into the bathroom. He sighed in exhaustion and swore under his breath. “I’m sorry.” I said as I began to cry. We’d previously discussed having kids, but not for a while and recent experiences have made us even second guess wanting them at all. My husband and I are both college educated, but we’re between jobs and struggling a little financially. It wasn’t the right time for us.

I was able to schedule an appointment the same week I found out I was pregnant. I arrived Friday at my local planned parenthood and was treated with kindness and respect by the staff. Not a single person asked me why I was doing what I was doing or if I wanted to explore other options. I received a sonogram at my appointment just to confirm there were no abnormalities with my pregnancy. I was not asked if I wanted to view the image, but I asked anyways. I said, “I’m just curious. I’ve never been pregnant before.” The technician, who looked no older than me, kindly turned the monitor towards me and informed me that I was in my fifth week of pregnancy. She estimated I was five weeks and one day.

My pregnancy was so small and so early that it still had a yolk. There was no heartbeat. Gazing at it on the screen, I felt nothing more than mild curiosity. I was escorted back to the waiting room to wait for my physician. Once I was called back I was instructed to take the first of two pills (Mifepristone) that would terminate my pregnancy. I was instructed to take the first pill at my own pace. I didn’t give it much pause. I pushed the pill out of its plastic and foil packaging and popped it into my mouth. I downed it with a cup of water.

I was asked if I had any questions. I had researched throughly before coming into the clinic, so I didn’t have much to ask. I don’t know why, but maybe in an effort to comfort myself, I told my doctor I was going back to school to pursue my master’s degree. Her response was one of support.

24 hours later, I took the second pill (Misoprostol) in the comfort of my home. I laid in my marital bed with my husband and fell asleep while my body began to pass the pregnancy as I napped. The pain wasn’t much different than a period. It wasn’t very painful at all.

It’s been a little over three weeks since my abortion now. I don’t regret it. At times I can feel a little sad, but I’m comforted by knowing I won’t have to be a mother before I’m ready. I have a lot of plans for myself and I don’t need a burden as big as a child right now. If anything, most of my sadness is really a response to the lack of support I received from my best friend at the time of my abortion. In pure cosmic timing, she and I had gotten into an argument shortly before I found out I was pregnant. Two days after my abortion, she reached out to ask me how I was feeling after my medication. I took this as her sign of moving on from our small argument. I let her know I passed the pregnancy and that she texted me right when I needed it (really when I needed her). I let her know that I loved her. She never responded and we haven’t spoken since.

My abortion came at a deeply emotional time for me. A new marriage, financial instability, longtime relationships falling apart, etc. It wasn’t the best of times for me. Despite all of that, my abortion has made me realize a few important things.

It’s made me realize that when or if I ever have children, I want it to be on my terms and my timeline. I want to be done with all my schooling before I become a mother. I want to be able to proudly say that I completely every level of schooling I ever wanted. I want to be able to say I accomplished every dream I ever had before I became a mother. I also want to be surrounded by friends and loved ones who actually want to be present for me not just through the good times, but through times of struggle and hardship as well. Most importantly, my abortion has made me very much aware of my husband’s compassion, devotion, kindness, and love for me. He never left my side, except to get me flowers and dinner. I will never forget when he carried me from the couch to our bed when I felt my life had fallen apart and I couldn’t go on.

To my would have been child: If you were meant for me you will find me again when I am ready for you.

To my husband: I love you. Thank you for being my soulmate. Words will never be able to encompass and describe how much I love you.