Starting from the beginning, when I first found out I was pregnant. A little backstory: My boyfriend and i had been together for 4 years, but things were rocky. I hadn’t given myself to him in well over a year. He fucked up, and it took me a very long time to heal from it. One day I decided it was time, and we had sex. Once. Anyway, 7 weeks later I started realizing my period was late. Then a few days later I started having cramps without a period. A few days after that started, I began to feel nauseated all day and started throwing up. I could not keep a single thing down, ever. On the 20th, I got a pregnancy test just to be sure, but I knew I was pregnant. The instructions say to wait 5 minutes for results but that plus sign showed up almost immediately. The control window line showed up, there was no denying it. I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend and we started talking about it. I could picture just how beautiful our child would be, but at the time, we were not doing well at all in regards to being financially stable. We let ourselves succumb to depression, and it just wasn’t the right environment to be growing a child in. Even though I could picture my child, I wasn’t sure I wanted to have children with him. I knew having an abortion was the right decision. And so did he.
6 days later, on the 26th, my boyfriend passed away. It was absolutely out of nowhere, and it was devastating. I will never be the same because of it.
Now that I was facing this alone, I had to think my decision over again and ask myself the questions I didn’t want to ask myself: Should I keep the baby because it’s the only part of him that will be alive? If yes, will I be able to not only go through pregnancy and birth alone, but raising a child alone too? If not, will I be able to have an abortion by myself without him? What will I feel like before and after the procedure, because of his loss?
In the end, I decided that abortion was still the best option for me. In the weeks leading up to the procedure, the idea of keeping the baby bounced around in my head. Still though, I knew abortion was the right decision.
Yesterday I had my procedure at 10.1 weeks. I read many stories about both options of abortion, and chose a surgical procedure. I didn’t want to further traumatize myself by doing it at home. Many stories say it’s very painful and the memory is seared into their minds forever.
The entire visit lasted about 3.5 hours. I was taken back, talked and answered questions, then sent to sit in a room with other women waiting for their procedures. Most of the appointment was waiting. Eventually they called me back again and gave me ibuprofen, anti nausea, and cramping pills. Then they gave me an iv tube so I could be given pain meds before my procedure starts. I was told to go back to the same waiting room with the other girls, and I waited for over an hour.
Ten minutes before I was finally called back, I started feeling cramps in my stomach. Thankfully it was not super horrible pain, just very uncomfortable. Shortly after I’m taken to the room with the table and stirrups. I undress, cover my waist, and wait alone in the room. The song Photograph comes on the lightly played radio, and I feel like it’s my boyfriend telling me he’s there with me. I talk to him and ask him to help me get through this. I start to cry, but then stop myself. I didn’t want the drs to think I had changed my mind.
5 minutes later, my female dr and female nurse walk in. The dr goes over everything she will be giving me for pain, and anxiety. Then she goes over what she will be doing while also assuring me she will be telling me every step while she’s doing it as well.
She gives me the anti anxiety and fentanyl. I don’t feel any effects from either of it, and start to panic. I had told the dr at both of my appointments that I was prescribed suboxone with naloxone in it. I didnt take it for 24 hours before my appointment but still, I think the subs rendered the fentanyl powerless. And I really wish the drs had researched what the medication does so that they could’ve given me more pain meds than normal. They put naloxone in suboxone so that addicted users cannot abuse the drug by crushing it or melting it. Naloxone pushes opioids out of your receptors. It takes more of the opiate to counteract that and push the naloxone out of the receptors so that the opioid neurotransmitters can bind to the receptors instead. I did my research far before my procedure so I made sure to specify what my medication was to my dr.
Yet they still gave me a standard dose, and my experience ended up being absolutely horrible. Like I said, I felt no effects from the drug so naturally, I felt everything during the procedure. I felt all three needle sticks of lidocaine. I felt her dilating my cervix. I felt the horrible suction when my pregnancy was finally removed. I also felt the insertion of the IUD I requested to be put in during my procedure. It was so painful that I was crying out loud and apologizing left and right that I was screaming and that I couldn’t help it.
The procedure couldn’t have lasted longer than 7 minutes. But when you can feel everything happening, those minutes feel like a lifetime.
When it was finally over, my pain level went from a 10 to a 2. I went to the recovery room where they took my vitals for a second and third time. I used the heating pad on the recliner, ate some saltines, drank some apple juice. They asked me to check my bleeding and it was normal. Then they sent me out the door and my mother was there to drive me home.
I started having slight regret on the drive home, while also experiencing light cramping and some soreness. Bleeding is to be expected so I bought some pads on the way home.
It’s now the middle of the night, 12 hours later. I’m still bleeding a little, still have some soreness. But overall, I’m glad I made the decision. I am also glad that I had an iud put in so i dont have to worry about it for 6 years. I do not ever want to go through that experience again. Not ever. This was a big learning experience for me and I’ve been able to walk away knowing I need to be more careful in the future.
I’m terrified the pain of my iud removal will be just as painful. I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t happening today, and to be grateful that I’m okay.
