We know what fits our lives whether it’s one kid, two kids or no kids.
First I want to start by saying abortion is not an easy thing to go through or decide for all of us. No matter if you are 100% sure, on the fence about your decision or if it’s your first time being pregnant or in my case my second time ……
***Giving you a back story and my abortion process sorry it’s lengthy it feels good to get this all out***
My child will be 2 in just a few months. When I found out I was pregnant with my first baby I was very early in my pregnancy. The father and I had been on and off for years. (Off at the time of conception) because in the past we always talked about having kids when I found out I was pregnant abortion never even crossed my mind. We had a toxic relationship from the beginning, controlling and abusive mentally, emotionally and rarely (but it happened) physically. I was still living with my mother at the time- who absolutely hated him but for some reason abortion never crossed my mind, for some reason I thought this baby would fix everything as sad as that sounds.
Being pregnant by him was the worst experience of my entire life, I was so mistreated and taken for granted- never respected or valued and that only carried on into the early months of motherhood. Mistreating me in the process and being completely clueless on how to be a father to our child. After months of the back and forth and fighting and arguments and mistreatment I decided to cut him out of our lives. He took me to court and made my life a living hell, after all he put me through. I knew I would never be with him again let alone have another kid with him…. or anyone ever. I went through enough to last me a life time while still raising my child, working and going to school all on my own.
Fast forward the time…. I moved on from my child’s father and fell in love. The man I met treats me like a queen, loves my child as his own and gives me whatever I want and need with out asking, values me as a women and person. He has a child too a couple months younger than mine and the kids get a long great.
It’s been about a year of dating and I miss my period one day after a missed dose of the pill. I knew I was pregnant because I’ve been down this road before. I barely had symptoms besides the missed period, a little fatigue and light cramping (which I thought was my period coming- jokes on me lol) I tell him I’m late and we both were kind of in suspense so I took a home test on a Saturday and what do you know-POSITIVE. I call him ASAP we talk a little but both knew what we were going to do. I google ‘abortion clinic near me’ and awkwardly schedule my appointment for that Tuesday. With all the new laws trying to ban abortion those next 3 days were torture for me . I stayed up all night- anxiety through the roof- googling the laws, abortion stories, different types of abortion options, what to expect, sedation options, how do I know in making the right choice, how to have 2 babies from 2 different guys and the list goes on ….
Tuesday comes and my boyfriend is at work so I had to go alone (it’s a 2 appointment process) I drove an hour away to the clinic and as I get to the street there are signs every where saying ‘baby killer’ ‘abortion should be against the law’ ‘you should go to jail’ ….. now I anticipated this due to my endless google searches- I knew there would be protesters. Luckily I didn’t run into any on my way in, just signs. My first appointment consisted of a lot of information, paperwork , an ultrasound (which I refused to see), blood work and counseling to be sure this was the right decision for me.
I won’t lie a part of me felt extremely hurt and guilty because this is the man I love and want to spend my life with. I wanted to have his children one day deep down inside- just not now. I had just landed my dream job and graduated top of my class- while being a single mother. This is how it was supposed to be for me all along. Right? I felt I had a child with the completely wrong person the first time. But I knew for here and now ? This is something I had to do for me, for him and for my child I already had. It wasn’t easy . I felt like I was getting a second chance at being a better me than I was my first pregnancy. I felt like this was my time to get it right and be with him forever and get my little blended family and happily ever after …… but it wasn’t the right time.
My second appointment (the procedure- I chose surgical abortion with sedation) was that Saturday. Those 4 days what did I do ? Not sleep and google non stop…. what to expect for a surgical abortion? People with stories . What to expect with sedation? Will I remember the procedure? Will it hurt ? Will I become depressed after ? So many thoughts I had. The day of my procedure I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I kept them all inside because I know he supported my decision and was staying positive for me.
The staff leads me into a room and tell me to get undressed from the waist down. I lay back on a table with my legs up and starring at a beautiful ceiling with a fake aquarium and pretty lights. I’m shaking uncontrollably and the nurses reassure me it’s going to be okay. After they insert the IV the nurses explain to me what’s going to happen and hand me the oxygen mask the next thing I know I wake up fully clothed in a recovery room with a few other ladies with a cup of ginger ale in my hand . I was so confused and lost . I grabbed a nurse and said “Excuse me, I’m supposed to get an abortion today . Is it done?” She kindly smiled and told me yes I was in recovery. I stayed there for about 20 minutes talking to nurses, patient support and women. So much support was given to reassure I wasn’t alone . I was afraid of feeling sad or guilty but once it was all done I never felt better.
The sedation really helped. I think if I was aware of what was going on or able to remember the procedure it would have traumatized me. I’m not a person that does well with needles or medication but I’m extremely pleased with my decision. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed or regretful. I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty about my decision. As women we have a right to decide what’s best for us. We know what fits our lives whether it’s one kid, two kids or no kids. I wasn’t ready to be a mom ever. I love my child with all my heart but looking back I wish I would have thought about my options. I never took the time to think. I knew I was going to have a baby. The things I went through, put myself through and my child through was harder on me than anything and I knew I couldn’t do that again. Abortion is nothing to be ashamed of. There are SOOOOO many women who go through it too you will be surprised. Love yourself and make the best decision for YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FUTURE. Having a child is not easy. It’s a life long commitment . You know what’s best for you. Good luck. I hope this helps you!
