To me, the abortion was a wake-up call. For my life!
Hi!
First of all, thank you for giving so many people a voice and the possibility to share their story on a safe platform.
I had an abortion in 2019 in my 10th week. I was 20 years old. Before I got pregnant, during my pregnancy and after my abortion, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. He was the father. The reason I was so far along already was because I did not realize I was pregnant until my 7th week. At that time, I was going through severe amounts of emotional and physical stress due to my then ongoing relationship. On top of that I had my first finals in university. In the past, there were times where my period would just skip a month or two due to the stress I was enduring at the time. So during those weeks when my period didn’t come, I shook it off and did not think about it further. Eventually, I started feeling nauseous with headaches. I felt blurry and my eating habits changed.
The night I did the test was one night before my first exam. I was terrified because I did not know how to “handle” my ‘situation’. What saved me that night was me being able to open up and communicate what I had just found out. Finding out was what pushed me over the edge and I realized whilst also having suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and living in fear for months, the only way to find a way out of this is to tell my best friends. To clarify, these emotions I was feeling was not caused by my pregnancy, they were triggered before. The pregnancy was only the trigger to my breaking point as it was something else I had to ‘deal’ with on my own. The emotional abuse in my relationship, the back and forth, the insecurities, the verbal and mental abuse made it seem all so impossible to deal with. I kept repeating to myself that I now have to do everything ‘step by step’ to not lose my shit. Having a family, being a mum is one of my biggest dreams, making everything more complicated and twice as hard for me to make a decision. I also knew that my mum was against abortions. So I did not feel safe to tell her or my dad. Some of my closest people, tried to talk me out of it because they were scared it would affect me mentally so much that I would not make it. No one wished me any harm but it certainly did not help either. Due to this surrounding, I felt like I was making the wrong decision by considering an abortion. Everyone else thought they knew what was best for me. On top of that, my ex boyfriend pushed me to have the abortion. When I told him that I suddenly felt a motherly instinct and connected he got angry, shouting what the hell I was thinking and how I could do something like that by even considering to keep the baby. So I was STUCK between opinions, shame and sadness. I felt torn into two different directions and I felt incapable of making a decision for MYSELF.
When I went to the doctor, I was too far along to take the abortion pill. I had to have an abortion as a surgery. To me, that felt 1000x worse. The process was so long. A million appointments. I live in Switzerland and here every region or ‘state’ is different with a different religious take on abortions. So I could not have it in my university town because it was catholic. So I had to run back and forth in between my exam period. During every single appointment I felt like I was doing something bad. They make you feel bad during every appointment in order to make sure, you’re making the ‘right’ decision. The constant asking of “are you sure”, “do you know the emotional damage it can do to you” or even when we spoke about the surgery, the doctor had to tell me SPECIFICALLY how the abortion was going to happen. Describing the instruments used, in a step by step process, describing the risks of possibly never being able to get pregnant again after. I felt extreme amounts of panic and shame during these appointments although I knew they were only following ‘protocol’. To me it felt like they are trying to talk me out of it, making me feel bad for my decision.
Eventually after immense amounts of stress, tears and appointments, I got my date at the hospital. Sad thing is, not once did my ex come with me. To any of these appointments. I went to the hospital without him. I did not want my parents there so I took my best friend. She accompanied me to every single appointment. I will forever be grateful for that.
On the day of the abortion I was scared but it went quickly, smoothly and perfectly. I was not in pain after, I did not bleed. During the operation I got the hormonal spiral inserted, to me the best decision I ever made. When I woke up I broke down in tears not because of the abortion but because of everything, hitting me like truck that has happened over the past 6 months.
Today I know, it was the best decision I ever made. For MY body, for my life and for Me. Today I am in a happy and HEALTHY relationship. Today I know that if I ever get pregnant again, I will be supported, no matter which decision take. To me, that was the most important thing. Finding a partner that supports me for me and my decisions that I make for myself and MY body.
I finally got my strength and confidence back. To me, the abortion was a wake-up call. For my life! 10 months after the abortion I cut the other guy loose.
Could I ever go through another abortion. No, absolutely not. The emotional trauma I endured, which was connected to my other relationship issues were too big. But my wish to be a young mum is here too and I know I have the right person by my side to support that. I do not regret having an abortion. It was the best decision I could have made for myself, my own growth and my life. Today I know that I would have had to deal with my ex for the rest of my life because of our child. The thought of that sickens me. The damage it would have done to me as a woman, could have not been reversed. I could have not been a good mum to my child. I know I couldn’t have given it my all.
To all people out there that went through an abortion, I will support you forever. With reason, without a reason, once or twice or more than twice, it does not matter. Only you decide what to do with your own body. Everyone should be granted SAFE access to abortions across the WHOLE world.
Thank you for reading and listening. Forever grateful.
