My Abortion Story

by Anonymous

May 20, 2021

I found out I was pregnant a week after I committed to recovery from my eating disorder that I had been struggling with for 15 years. It was also the week the pandemic was beginning in the U.S. I immediately called Planned Parenthood and scheduled my abortion. I had to wait 2 weeks for my appointment. It was very hard being pregnant and not being able to be held by my friends, and I was so grateful for my supportive and loving then-fiancé. I opted for the pill because I wanted my abortion at home, with my body completing the process instead of doctors. I am nonbinary and experienced a lot of dysphoria during my pregnancy, and I also loved my pregnancy. I knew that I was doing the right thing for myself, and I was still very scared and sad. The abortion itself was painful and difficult, and I saw and held my pregnancy after I passed it. I hadn’t been told that this could happen, in fact I was told that I wouldn’t be able to see it because I was so early in my pregnancy, but there it was without a doubt. It was not scary looking and later I saw photos of other people’s abortions and miscarriages for which they gave consent to view and it helped to normalize and heal the experience for me, because I realized that I am not alone and this is part of the experience of many pregnancy outcomes. I feel very connected with all of the other people who have had an abortion.

I am deeply grateful for my abortion and have never doubted that it was the right choice. I still carry grief around it, but I do not have any regrets. A year after my abortion, I realized what a hugely challenging gift this experience was for me. I found a strength in choosing myself like this that I had never known before. It’s a huge reason why I have been able to stay committed to the path of recovery, and I am now in full recovery for the first time since I developed my eating disorder at age 11. I have made so many other positive changes in my life, too, as a result of knowing my inner strength and inherent value that I learned through this process. My experience of pregnancy and abortion gave me such deep compassion and connection with my body that I had blocked off growing up due to trauma. I love myself so much and I will always love my pregnancy, too. I married the love of my life this summer after the abortion, and we are very happy together. This experience has made our relationship even stronger. I trust my husband more than I can put into words. This fall, he got a vasectomy so we can have the childfree future we want and I will never have to go on birth control that makes me sick or have another abortion again. But if I did need another abortion, I would do it again. I’m worth it. I am grateful every single day to abortion providers. Reading about others’ experiences with abortion here has been really amazing and helpful, too. Thank you to the whole Shout Your Abortion community! I love you!

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