I was 19, I lived in Texas, and I was about to go back to college. My period was typically not consistent. But I knew something was different. I took a pregnancy test in the bathroom at my retail job twice, and they both read positive. I was in disbelief. I told my mom and my current boyfriend at the time who were both so supportive.
A couple days later, I drove an hour into Dallas to go to a clinic where protesters regularly crowded. They told me I was going to hell. But the people inside were so warm and comforting. I ended up being eligible for the national abortion fund so it was only $450 as compared to $745. I paid for half and so did my boyfriend. They conducted a sonogram, and they told me I was 8 1/2 weeks. They then informed me that by law they have to show me the sonogram or describe it to me. I chose the description and felt incredibly uneasy. The doctor also read to me (by law) all of the complications that could arise from it. But they were typically very rare. I ended up choosing the pill version and by that time I was 10 weeks, so I had to take double the amount of medication which meant double the amount of pain. I won’t describe the experience, but it truly was horrific (for me).
I know my decision was the right one, but sometimes it’s hard to convince myself of it. If it was anyone else I wouldn’t dare to think they made the wrong decision, but sometimes I wonder for myself. Sometimes I wonder if it was unnatural, or immoral.
It’s terribly hard to talk about abortion out loud. It can be a very isolating experience. All the people I know who have had one keep quiet (including myself). I’ve been told it’s just one of those things you keep to yourself. And living in a conservative state, I’ve definitely felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. Not even my counselor. It would kill me if someone told me the things I already tell myself regarding the abortion. Don’t get me wrong, I would still get an abortion. But the amount of pain that comes with it, really has changed me.
I will never look at a baby the same. I have a weird fear of infertility. I wasn’t comfortable in my body for months. I didn’t recognize it. But I do know one day, I’ll be pregnant at the right time (for me), and I will have a baby. It just wasn’t the time.
This was my experience, and everyone goes through it differently. Some emotionless, some like me. For some it’s easy, for some it’s very hard. No matter how you handle it, it will always be 100% right and valid. You’re not obligated to feel a certain way about YOUR decision.
