I found out I was pregnant at an STI screening. They asked me if I wanted them to run a pregnancy test in addition to the other tests they would be performing. I said no at first because I was sure I didn’t need it, but at the last second I changed my mind just in case. When they told me it came back positive, I was in shock. I didn’t believe it and thought it had to be a false positive, because this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. Logically I knew it was a possibility, but it wasn’t something I planned on having to deal with because “men don’t get pregnant”.
The clinician stepped out for a few minutes to give me time to process, and at that point it hit me that this was real. I sat with my head in my hands, feeling like my life was over. After a couple minutes I called my boss, who is like a mother to me. I knew I couldn’t tell my own parents because I would not receive the support I needed from them. My boss told me that whatever happened, whatever I decided, she would be there to support me. She advised me to take a couple days to think about it before making a decision, but I had already made up my mind that I was getting an abortion. Continuing the pregnancy was never an option for me. I do not want children, and I absolutely did not want to be pregnant. The clinician came back in and asked me if I knew what I wanted to do, and I told her I didn’t want to keep it. She provided me with a list of nearby clinics that performed surgical abortions, along with information on what to expect before, during and after the abortion.
It took me three tries to schedule the appointment. I was worried that I wouldn’t be taken seriously, that when whoever was on the other end of the call heard a man saying he needed an abortion, they would give me a hard time or turn me away. But they were very understanding and made it easy for me to get the appointment scheduled. The earliest availability they had was for 9 days out. I only had 9 days to go.
I was about 5 weeks pregnant when I found out, so of course the one week I knew I was pregnant was the week the morning sickness started. Not that I wanted to eat at all, I didn’t want to give the thing inside me nutrients or help it in any way. Knowing it was there made me feel disgusted with myself and my body, and having to deal with that for 9 days was torture. My dad came to visit during that time, and I was so anxious about him sensing that something was bothering me, or that I’d get really drunk and let it slip that I was pregnant and getting an abortion. Once he left it was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. Only one more day to go.
The appointment took about 2 hours. I was first taken into a room by myself, where the technician went over what to expect from the ultrasound, discussed birth control options, and confirmed that I wanted to proceed with the abortion. At that point my partner was allowed to be with me for the rest of my appointment. The ultrasound went much better than I thought it would. I was expecting a large screen to be facing me, that I’d be forced to see what had been growing inside me for the past 6 weeks. In reality, the monitor was small and kept out of my line of sight, and I never had to see it. I will never know what it looked like, and I am grateful for that.
We were taken to a second room where I was given sedatives and nausea medication. It took a few minutes to take effect. I started feeling dizzy and had to cling to my partner’s arm as we were escorted to the room where the abortion would take place.
The abortion itself took only a few minutes, but it felt much longer. The pain was intense and unlike anything I’d ever felt before. It felt like my insides were being rapidly sucked out of my body. My partner was on the left side of me, holding my left hand in both of his. A nurse was on my right side, holding my right hand in one of hers and using her other hand to gently press on a heating pad that had been placed on my stomach. At one point the pain became too much for me and I told the nurse that I couldn’t do it anymore, to which she responded, “You just did”. The procedure had ended and I hadn’t noticed. The doctor removed the tools and after confirming that the pregnancy had been fully removed and reassuring me that I had done well and everything was over, my partner and I were left alone in the room so I could have a few minutes to process what had just happened. He held me and told me that everything was going to be okay. I couldn’t answer him.
I was taken into one final room so they could monitor my recovery, and after 15 minutes I was cleared to go home. It was finally over.
To all the trans men out there who have gone through/are going through this: I love you. I love you so much and you are not alone in this. A lot of men can and do get pregnant, and having this experience doesn’t make you any less of a man. When I had my abortion, I felt like the only man in the world to have had one. But I’m not, and you’re not either. <3
