When I was 19, I had tried to kill myself. I felt that I was a burden to everyone and that the world would be better without me. I luckily failed and was hospitalized for a few days. During this time, I didn’t pay attention that my period hadn’t come.
A couple of weeks before, I had sex with my boyfriend. I was stupid and decided to have sex without a condom. I knew better but I didn’t care because I was already mentally spiraling.
After getting released from the hospital, I started to feel sick and had this sinking feeling that I was pregnant. I asked my boyfriend to get me some pregnancy tests and went over to his place to take them. I took both and sat in the bathroom terrified. When I saw it showed positive, I felt my whole world crumble before me. I could hear my mom telling me to get out of her house, I could see my boyfriend leaving me all alone with this child like my dad did with my mom. I could see myself just killing myself and succeeding this time…
I walked out of the bathroom and showed my boyfriend, terrified. When he saw he looked at me with the warmest, loving eyes and smiled.
“What do you want honey?”, he said to me kindly. He asked what I wanted and reassured me that he was going to stay with me no matter what. At that moment I felt the safest I could, and sobbed.
Once I calmed down we talked about it and I decided that it would be better for me if I had an abortion. I had heard about postpartum and how sometimes pregnancy can mess with you psychologically. I knew with just being hospitalized, I was not mentally capable. With my boyfriend and planned parenthood’s support, I went through with the abortion.
Sometimes I remember and think about it. I will sometimes say I regret it but honestly in the bottom of my heart I know I did what was right and I’d do it again if I had to. I wasn’t mentally sound to carry a child and I was young. My boyfriend is now my fiancé and when I need reassurance, he’s there for me.
