My abortion

by J

October 25, 2022

I had just graduated college and was about to start 2 years with a competitive teaching fellowship in Baltimore.  I was about to head to California when I took a pregnancy test.  I knew it would be positive.  I had tried to will it away, but I knew.  I had to tell my mother.  I was headed away from home and knew I wouldn’t be able to negotiate an abortion far from home.  I actually never asked her for an abortion, she assumed it’s what I wanted.  She assumed right, but I always wished she had asked. She took me to her fancy doctor who couldn’t see a pregnancy on sono.  He told me I needed to come back in 2 wks. These were the days before medical abortion was available.  My parents flew me home on a red-eye, I had the termination that day (I think I went right from the airport) and flew back to LA the next day.  A few days later, I woke up with excruciating cramps and passed a gigantic clot (at the time I thought it was the placenta, now I know better.)  I still wonder what I would have done if there were a complication.

I have zero regrets.  For a while I was angry at myself for letting myself get in that position; I should have known better.  I’m now much kinder to myself about it.   What I think about now is how lucky I was to have had support and means to make this happen, wherever I was.  I think about pregnant people who are at the mercy of their states and insurance and can’t just fly away to get it taken care of.  It infuriates me.  I’m now a midwife who has both performed and facilitated access to abortions and will continue to help people get the care they desire or require.

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