My abortion

I had my abortion at 20. I learned about my pregnancy during a routine checkup with a medical professional who was incredibly judgmental. I had come off the pill and was using condoms for the first time in my adult life. I felt incredibly alone. I did not get a moment where I could acknowledge what was going on because I was already being hounded about how irresponsible I was. I went into autopilot. My partner refused to see the baby as more than just cells. Even though I was leaning towards an abortion, this made it difficult for me to grieve. I very much wanted to keep my baby. I knew it wasn’t realistic for me. I don’t regret the decision that I made, but I feel like I lost a lot of myself when I submitted my body to be the judgement of everyone around me. All of the carefree young feelings disappeared. My sex life was being combed through by every doctor I had to see, and I was poked and prodded like I was a specimen. Nobody asked me if I wanted to see the scan. I wasn’t given my pregnancy tests or anything I could have to commemorate that what was going on was real. The hardest thing is reconnecting with my body and those around me. It’s hard to have experienced pregnancy but not motherhood. Morning sickness, cravings and all the hormones. I know that one day I can change my experience around pregnancy. I want to be a mother and am heartbroken that I won’t get to meet my baby, but I know that in having my abortion, I’ve allowed myself a chance.