That week I remember feeling off, something was wrong yet I couldn’t work it out until my period never turned up. As someone whose period is the most loyal and reliable part of my body, I knew I should probably do a test.
I was only 17 and was casually seeing a boy just a few months younger than me, in retrospect I was naive to think unprotected sex every week would be alright. The boy was nice to me at the time but he had no ambition, was lazy and extremely immature. To be honest we were complete opposites and I secretly despised him but he made me feel safe sometimes and I enjoyed feeling no pressure in the situationship.
My period still hadn’t come for five days when I decided it was finally time to do a test. During free periods at school me and my friends would drive to town so on that trip I asked them to help me do a test. We bought, it got food, then drove back to the school toilets to do it. In my head I was just being precautionary and it would come up negative and I would go to my lesson like normal. But the test came up with two lines almost instantly. The shock was unbearable yet it was still fake. We did the other test in the box and I downed three bottles of water and listened to the taps running as the shock stopped me from doing it again. The test was negative but we decided to still go to the clinic later on to confirm.
That lesson I was filled with short term relief until we got back into the car. I decided to check the tests again and the other one had developed a line. In that moment I could only laugh and how stupid I had been. The clinic accepted me to do a test even though they don’t offer the service anymore due to covid which I was extremely grateful for. The second nurse came in confirming that I was pregnant. I started to intensely cry and luckily my friends were there to support me as that feeling was overwhelming. The nurses gave me both their numbers and checked up on me everyday, giving me all the advice and links to the website where I could book an abortion.
My decision was easy, and I booked the appointment the next day. Yet I felt this unexplainable connection to the baby inside of me. I felt bad for smoking, drinking or doing anything to harm it. I felt like two people and like my body was whole and complete. It was relieving knowing I wasn’t alone. Yet I knew I had to get rid of it. This is not what I wanted and especially not with him.
I told him later that day and he was supportive at first but, I was annoyed at him. Everything he said felt disingenuous and wrong. He asked to come with me like he needed to protect me and I felt angry that he thought this was something that made me weaker. We argued that night and the night after as everything I told him about my feelings, he would say he felt them worse. His stupidity and macho attitude started to show. Everything was about him, apparently he now felt the physical effects I was feeling of sickness and anxiety because it was his sperm in me. So somehow that meant it affected him physically. I couldn’t tell him he was wrong because it was his opinion and he was always right. He then kept calling it his kid after I told him not to. He then turned vile as he asked if he could meet me whilst it was still inside of me to say hello. At this point I knew it was enough and that I didn’t want anything to do with him so I blocked him. That night he got with another girl.
I wasn’t upset about losing him at all, it was the situation of the abortion that affected me. I started to feel ill the moment I found out, probably caused from anxiety. The next few weeks at school were awful and I couldn’t leave my bed most mornings from the intense sickness. I had to nearly leave the bus going to school as the sickness was unbearable. When the abortion appointment was they called me and asked me to come in as I wasn’t sure of the dates. It was booked for valentines day and my friend and her mum would drive me there.
I had an ultrasound and found out I was 6 and a half weeks. I could have the medical abortion so I took the first pill and got the implant fitted on the day to stop this from happening again.
The next day I went to my friends house and before taking the pill we got snacks for after and during then went back to hers. I took paracetamol before and inserted the 4 pills. The pain started half an hour after, and was the most intense, awful pain I have ever experienced. I threw up, had diarrhea and could barely stand up. I thought I was dying from how horrific the pain had become. I felt a small clot fall out and the pain subsided so I assumed this was the fetus passing. I slowly made my way upstairs as the pain was still there but less intense and immediately fell asleep on the bed. I woke up to my friends walking in and we talked for a bit before I stood up and felt something massive fall out.
Turns out this was the fetus and when we all went to the toilet we stood there for a while looking at it and how insane this was. We then flushed it and enjoyed the rest of the night.
I don’t regret my abortion, however it has affected me in so many ways. I am not the same, I feel guilty, I feel shame. I miss the feeling of being two people and it has also left me with some trauma. I now react awfully to sudden physical touch such as accidental banging and someone trying to steal something. I have even worse emotional dysregulation, made worse by my adhd. Its been a few months now and I feel myself getting better, I have met someone new and kind and funny, I realise my own problems I just need to now help myself. My first baby will always be this one, but it’s how it was meant to be.
My attitude around the politics of abortion have changed too, afterwards I realised how it shouldn’t be a debate, it’s personal. No one can tell me how to feel or act surround my abortion, it is no one’s business but my own. It shouldn’t be law and it shouldn’t be banned. Choosing an abortion is a hard choice and a choice no one would willingly choose to do if they had the option not to. It is for everyone.
