Messy mistake.

by Anonymous

August 21, 2020

I’m 34 and I’m about to go for a TOP. I went for my scan today and I saw the fetus’s heart beating and it’s tiny limbs wiggling about.  But I feel no attachment to it. The thing that’s eating me up the most is the ‘shame’ stigma around the idea of abortions.  I am 100% pro choice and I believe that if a pregnancy is going to jeopardize your life or you  feel that it isn’t what you want then do what you need. Today at my consultation I was reminded of my age. My chances of pregnancy and number of eggs will significantly decrease. I felt that pressure of changing my mind and continuing the pregnancy.

The reason why I want to terminate is because my mental health is in all sorts. I recently divorced my husband because I felt that I was wasting and wishing my life away with him, I found someone else who made me feel alive and who made me a better version of myself. I recently moved in with the new Mr and I quickly realised that our honeymoon phase of the relationship has quickly ended,  every week I’d be crying over one thing or another and makes me feel that maybe I don’t genuinely love this person. Regardless of the quarreling we accidentally fell pregnant.

What I feel makes my situation worse is that moved countries to be with this guy, I don’t even speak the local language, the plan was to spend the first couple of months doing an intensive language course then finding work and building my career, to be financially independent. Unfortunately I fell pregnant within the first 2 weeks of my arrival. The guy does make money but it’ll barely cover the costs of living and health insurance.

I also feel that being pregnant in a brand new country without a decent cash flow and support from friends and family makes it 100 times harder. I have a friend who is back home more than 5000 miles away.  I confided in her and I mentioned how I felt about my pregnancy and that my anxiety is through the roof and I don’t want to continue with this pregnancy, I got a 3rd degree burn from her! She said that there are people out there who are going through all kinds of measures to have kids and I’m just going to kill it. She told me grow up and be grateful for what I have. Yes I am grateful for what I have but I’m thinking about the future of another life that will be my responsibility. I can already see how terrible life will be for my child with no proper income and stability. I want to enjoy my pregnancy and my new baby without having to worry how I’m going to pay the rent, or who I’m going to leave the child with when I am working a minimum wage job because I couldn’t study the language to get a the job I am qualified to do.

It’s so easy for people to point out other people’s flaws and have opinions about sensitive things, but as soon as you ask them for financial help they keep quiet. Also I don’t know why I have to feel guilty for someone going through IVF. I also think that people should adopt more.

Everything happened too quickly and I feel sorry for myself and not being to continue this pregnancy.


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