When I was 12 weeks pregnant with my second child, a planned pregnancy, we got the call that the fetus was “likely”to be born with tristomy 18.

There are lists of reasons to follow through with a potential trisomy pregnancy, and I appreciate that a lot of people do.

I scheduled my medically informed, second trimester abortion the next day.

Not that it’s necessary, I firmly believe in choice without a socially acceptable “reason” but here are ours:

1. My first child was born with a rare genetic diagnosis., that shifted our family forever. To pull attention from them for an additional child with a different range of needs felt cruel, to me and my partner.
2. To have carried this pregnancy further would’ve meant countless amount of tests to TRY to determine quality of life. There are no guarantees – more than likely the baby would pass before or shortly after delivery. I had a traumatic first delivery, NICU and postpartum period. I had no idea what this stress for an ill-fated pregnancy would do to my health, quality of life and mental health.
3. I get to have a life, too. PERIOD. Pregnancy does not mean that I have to passively give away my life, to submit to carrying and perhaps caregiving for a child. I live, every day, the hardships of raising a child with special needs in this world. I felt every inch of the pain, every inch of the struggle, and every single moment of grief. I advocate and educate tirelessly. I get tired, lost, overwhelmed. Adding an additional special needs child or traumatic pregnancy is a burden my partner and I had agreed against when we first stepped into trying to conceive a second.

When I arrived for my abortion (though my insurance made sure to battle me every step of the way) — I got to have the blessed “relief” of a missed miscarriage five weeks prior. The baby passed at nine weeks, I carried until 14.

I went home that night post D&C  – the decision had been taken from me – but I never forget that I DID make a choice.

My baby is gone; choice or no choice, there is a grief that accompanies termination of a desired pregnancy. I live with that every day – but I don’t have a single regret.