When I was 12 weeks pregnant with my second child, a planned pregnancy, we got the call that the fetus was “likely”to be born with tristomy 18.
There are lists of reasons to follow through with a potential trisomy pregnancy, and I appreciate that a lot of people do.
I scheduled my medically informed, second trimester abortion the next day.
Not that it’s necessary, I firmly believe in choice without a socially acceptable “reason” but here are ours:
- My first child was born with a rare genetic diagnosis., that shifted our family forever. To pull attention from them for an additional child with a different range of needs felt cruel, to me and my partner.
- To have carried this pregnancy further would’ve meant countless amount of tests to TRY to determine quality of life. There are no guarantees – more than likely the baby would pass before or shortly after delivery. I had a traumatic first delivery, NICU and postpartum period. I had no idea what this stress for an ill-fated pregnancy would do to my health, quality of life and mental health.
- I get to have a life, too. PERIOD. Pregnancy does not mean that I have to passively give away my life, to submit to carrying and perhaps caregiving for a child. I live, every day, the hardships of raising a child with special needs in this world. I felt every inch of the pain, every inch of the struggle, and every single moment of grief. I advocate and educate tirelessly. I get tired, lost, overwhelmed. Adding an additional special needs child or traumatic pregnancy is a burden my partner and I had agreed against when we first stepped into trying to conceive a second.
When I arrived for my abortion (though my insurance made sure to battle me every step of the way) — I got to have the blessed “relief” of a missed miscarriage five weeks prior. The baby passed at nine weeks, I carried until 14.
I went home that night post D&C – the decision had been taken from me – but I never forget that I DID make a choice.
My baby is gone; choice or no choice, there is a grief that accompanies termination of a desired pregnancy. I live with that every day – but I don’t have a single regret.
