Medical abortion, alone

by Anonymous

January 5, 2022

Hi, I just went through my first abortion. I am 19 and a college student living in the dorms. I got pregnant by someone who really just didn’t care about me and when I told him he pushed me getting an abortion. When asked if I kept it, would he want to be involved he said no. That was a big deciding factor for me, I grew up without my father very present and I wanted my child to have a more involved dad. Other than that, I had no idea what I wanted.

In the back of my head I always knew that I couldn’t mentally or financially support another being, especially a baby. However, I couldn’t help but wonder if having a child would give me a sense of purpose that I had been searching for. When I found out I was pregnant, the reality of it didn’t hit me for a while. Weeks I would say. I found out just before I was four weeks and had my abortion a day short of being seven weeks. I only told my close friends and of course the father, I didn’t have the heart to tell my family. So, I was virtually alone through all of this. My friends could only help so much and the father and I didn’t talk more than him checking on when I was getting the abortion.

I did so much research, watched every video- went through every comment section, read every article on abortion. I was looking for comfort but instead I was faced with fear, fear of the pain, fear of the emotional aftermath, having to go through all of it alone. It all seemed so scary and so overwhelming. Pretty early on, I began having horrible morning sickness which got to the point where I couldn’t eat anything without immediately feeling sick and some days I couldn’t even hold down water. In the end, I decided to get an abortion because I knew that’s what would be best for me in the end and my life path. I found information on plancpills because they were the most affordable for my income. I remember picking them up and just sitting on my bed in my dorm just staring at them, holding them in my hands. I began to feel guilty for something that hadn’t even happened yet. A few days had gone by, I hadn’t taken them yet. I knew I needed to do this however I just wasn’t ready to give up. I was so mentally and physically drained yet I still felt bad. I went home to my parents and decided that I needed to do it. I took the first pill, by myself at 4 in the morning. I had no one to rub my back and tell me it’s okay, I had no one to tell me they were proud of me. I waited until almost the 48 hour mark to take the second pills, I was afraid of the pain. I took pain medicine then the pills orally around 2am and tried to sleep. I woke up around 4am to throw up and that’s when I began bleeding. I thought I would be more freaked out seeing blood however I think I was too tired to care. I went back to bed and around 5:30 I woke up again and sat on the toilet for a while. I passed many, many clots sitting there. I refused to look down in fear of seeing the embryo. As for pain, it felt more uncomfortable than anything. I was expecting it to hurt but it just felt like hunger pains. I went back to bed around 6 and woke up at 8, I wasn’t bleeding as much at this point and was able to go back to sleep shortly after until about 1pm. The next day I felt completely normal. I wasn’t sick anymore, I didn’t have cramps, I was just bleeding. Same with the following days, I am now two days post and I have only had slight cramping here and there since. In my experience, the hardest part of all of this was doing it alone, of not having someone to hold me and tell me everything is alright. Mentally, I thought I would feel more guilty than I do. I feel at peace, I feel okay. I know I will have a child when I’m ready, it’s just not my time. I stand by my decision and I’m happy I made it.

If I were to give any advice to someone going through this, reach out to people and surround yourself with good energy and support. Every feeling you’re having during this experience, whether you’re still making a decision or you’re pre/post abortion, everything is normal and valid. No emotion is wrong or right. No matter what you choose to do, you’re so strong and so capable of anything. If you ever need anything, if it’s advice or comfort you can always reach out to me.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!