I never ever thought that this would be such an important experience in my life.
I am 43, and I am an enthusiastic graphic designer based in Austria. Before I met my boyfriend I thought falling in love is not a real thing or is not such a breathtaking feeling as all the movies told me so far. I had just not the best luck by meeting guys, I thought maybe I am bad in finding good guys. One of them was even an alcoholic and got lost – for me it felt like it was my guilt and I got tired of trying to help him out of it. On one day I said no, it was just enough and I don’t wanted to handle it anymore. So I quitted the relationship and started my own beloved, independent and creative life. I was single for about 6 years, recovering from all the bad moments of this heavy relationship doing my thing, my creative process and it felt like unfolding myself. I just thought it is okay when I do not become kids, I am an auntie and happy with that. Others can get kids for me and I was fine with that. I love my creative projects and my self-determined life. And then I went on a speed-dating and met this one guy. I was tough and gave him my phone number. I was hoping he will send me some messages. And then we met again on a date where we talked the whole night through. We hugged each other so deeply and I thought never ever I had such breathtaking feelings before.
We came together, we had a lot of fun and the same humour and I was so in love that I really thought: oh yes, now I understand. Now I got it. And oh my gosh, I was so proud to met such a cute, lovely and intelligent guy with such a good heart. We had the same values and still when I found out something new and exciting he is the first person I want to tell. About one month after I met my Love I had a very stupid accident – I broke my right big toe. Unbelievable pain. After one month, the broken toe healed, but the pain was still there. It was such a tough time, nobody understood what my problem was and I went to a lot of doctors which did not understand what I was talking about. After about three months I got the diagnosis CRPS and fear came into my life. I was scared to handle all of this things and was not sure how to get back to my confidence. I believe in the good things and normally I am a positive thinking person. But that changed me and my confident way of thinking deeply. I got a lot of pain medication, had a lot of foggy headaches, bad mood and I really doubted all of that more than before. I had a lot of side effects and didn’t realise that I got pregnant at that time. Finding out at a doctors appointment was just a coincidence. The female doctor congratulated me at the same time when she told me the news. I was getting a panic attack and the doctor couldn’t handle my response carefully – she thought every woman should be happy to get such news. I was 41 and I closed that chapter years ago and my new partner was like me – he wanted to have an independent self-determined life like me.
So the big thing was now, handling my chronic pains with CRPS and staying on track with the treatment plan they gave me or continuing the pregnancy that was never on my list. I also got under an immense pressure because getting an abortion in Austria was only legal within the next 10 days (I got the news in a very late phase). So I had to talk to my boyfriend, weighing all options I have and then finding a solution I can live with and maybe getting an appointment – hoping to make all of this in a very short time. And I was fragile, in pain and it was all too much for me at the same time. So I talked to my best friend, she told me she will love me no matter what I decide. I talked to my boyfriend and we both cried a lot because it was just not our plan we wanted. Then I organized an appointment with my coach, to help me finding my voice through all of this mixed feelings. He told me, that it should be my decision but he was honest too and told me also that he never wanted to be a father. He loved me soo much and he would rather support me with getting healthy and staying on my healing plan. I am so glad he was just honest and told me his way of thinking. So he was scared to become a dad like I was scared of being a mum. And maybe we would have become awesome parents, but very sad ones who just did it because everybody would expected that from us – but not us. I even tried to imagine me and my boyfriend what would be our lives if we would decide to keep it felt not very good and made me sad. It was hard to get so much power over the life of my boyfriend and our future and I thought I will put myself on a supporting role.
I really thought that this decision is not only my power and it is not right to decide it alone – it should be our decision we both agree. I wanted a decision which I and my boyfriend can live with it. It was too much power for myself. So I organized two awesome therapists which helped me to find my decision which is best for me and my love. My boyfriend was also worried about my chronic pain and staying pregnant would have meant discontinuing with the medications and the treatment plan. He is working in the healthcare as a caretaker and also knew all the healthy risks if I would put myself on the second place instead of first place. So, I realised I can decide, this is my life and I can choose what is best for me and my boyfriend and it is okay to choose my way of life. It was tough and maybe not understandable for others.
I grew up in a very disfunctional childhood with a lovely mum an a nice dad who just drank too much alcohol. My mum was way too overwhelmed about the situation with an addiction and used to hide all of the shameful alcohol. I had to be the grown-up girl which was the second parent in the house. When I finally got independent after school, I studied graphic design, got my Bachelor and found my way out of this complicated family situation. I always felt, this was enough and now it is my turn and I decide what I want to do. I am here, healthy and alive with my passion about my independent life and my job, having a lovely boyfriend and relieved that I found my voice in such a fragile time. Looking back I remember that I felt not being myself with all the hormones in my veins and mixed feelings and that was too much at that time.
My boyfriend was on every appointment or step on my side and supported me. He did the best he could do to support me and I was very happy about it. I was not alone. We supported each other. But it was my part to do the first step and took the pill which starts the process – that is still a heavy burden on my shoulders. The surgery went well and I had not a single complication, all the people who took care on me were patient and supportive, helped me in such a caring way through the whole process and it went all well (it was too late for an abortion pill). I live in a very rural area in Austria and it is not easy to get reproductive support easily. Lucky us they opened a new department nearby to do an abortion and they helped us to get an appointment in my short timeframe (I had just so much luck, nowadays the place is full of demonstrants, it is almost fully booked and not so reachable as two years ago). Me and my boyfriend had to pay 650 euros, because the procedure is not included in social healthcare in Austria (which also made me angry, but yes, another topic). After the procedure my boyfriend took me home and cooked an awesome chicken soup out of a whole chicken and watched lovely movies with me to get my smile back. I recovered and was relieved.
I think I grew up in a society which told me, you should never do such a thing. Still today, the circle of the people who knows this story of my life is still my best friend, and one friend more (she was so sad I didn’t told her earlier but I was just afraid), my coach, one therapist, my boyfriend and two doctors (both female, the one who told me and congrats me and the one who helped me with an awesome treatment plan and who told me it is your choice what is best for you and every decision is right). I believe it was the right decision for me, but it was a tough and heartbreaking one. It changed my life and it helped me to stay the person I am. I was so angry at the government of Austria. What do they think they are, to tell me how much time I get for such a decision? I needed more time and I needed a non judgment thinking. I did all in the best knowledge I had at that time. I did took my birth control pills so precisely, but just one other medication deactivated the function of them, so this happened with no intention – just by accident. I was so concentrated of getting control on my chronic pain, I never thought that there could also be something else too. On some days I still feel guilty so so bad, it feels like I am distancing myself from every normal or traditional way of living. Those days are hard and I do not talk with anyone about it. My boyfriend is such a good guy, he always tells me it was our right to do that and I should not feel this big burden and sometimes he gets angry because he cannot understand that I am still feel the shame about this sensitive issue. But in reality I do. And I feel bad sometimes.
Today it is almost two years ago, I neatly won my big fight against chronic pain and CRPS. I worked hard with my doctors, ergoterapists and my physiotherapist and all the hard work was worth it. I feel my right foot like before that accident happened. Ironically it needed a second broken bone on the left foot to get healed and an ADHD diagnosis which is now also better under control (my boyfriend has ADHD too, what a surprise). Now it feels like I got all the mystery puzzles on my mental and physical health. I am able to recover and can rebuild my ground more stable than before with the right experts around me and the perfect treatment plan. Life is good and I am getting back my confident mind.
I still should find a way to talk with someone, but I am hesitating. One therapist once told me, it is better to keep it to myself then telling it too much to others. Even my family (mum, dad, my sister, my brother) didn’t realise that something like that happened to me. And it is very strange, my sister had an abortion too and I can’t talk with her – she is so busy with herself like the rest of my family. Sometimes I am thinking when I talk to someone, would this person judge me if I would talk about it? And then I am searching for a distraction to not think about it to get my peace with it back. I hope writing down this story and publishing it here helps me to get some relief.
I still hope this crisis will get me stronger and makes me even a more beautiful thinking human than before. All that what happened to me made me the person I am now and it gave me such a deep understanding about what life is and can be. It was like a lot of things in my life – it had an ambivalent issue. It was good and sad at the same time, we both got to know each other so deeply and that is very precious. I think this small creature I said no to, was meant to have good parents who would be so so happy to get it – not that sad and overwhelmed as we were at that time. I am still wishing for it, that it’s not mad on me and that it was okay, to send it to another family who would be lovely happy parents. Maybe that sounds naive, but this thought helped me a lot.
I feel now so much more that I am living my life as I wanted it and my boyfriend is still with me, next to me and we are both happy with how things are and lately he told me he never was so happy with someone before than with me now, which is such a gift. I know, I can go through good and bad times with him, we will support each other no matter what.
I will keep on trying to do the very best with my life. And maybe I will find the way to handle my feelings about all of this and will write a book with my experiences when I find the tough part of me again. I really hope so.
