Married happily, 39, first pregnancy. Dealing with shame and stigma

#shoutyourabortion I’m about to take my second dose of pills. I’m 39, married, just under 5 weeks of my first pregnancy. It was a shock to us both. My husband has been away so we only see each other 2 weekends a month. I feel guilt and shame and fear of regret. But those come from society’s view of what women should be. I also feel relief and I know it won’t be easy but I know I would be having a child for other people, or for fear of missing out…not because I truly want to be a parent. I suffer from anxiety and can not imagine the amount I would have…especially bringing a child into such a messed up world where people don’t understand the impact climate change will have on the very babies they are wanting to have. Where my head spins with school shootings and endless news stories of all the things that can harm a child. My anxiety spikes at every scenario. I’m so up and down. But not once have I been excited. Even that makes me feel shame. My husband does not want to parent either, but supports any choice I make. I’m glad there is a safe place to share. I will need to work very hard to not let other people play into my emotions. And I will honor the fact that it is my body, my choice. I will be able to give back to children already on this earth, and women that are fighting for their right to choose, and to have autonomy over their bodies. I wanted to share for others like me…who feel guilty because ours is simply a choice not to be a parent… I’m scared…here we go.