March 29, 2020. On that day across the world, we were 2 weeks into an unprecedented global pandemic. We were hoarding canned goods and toilet paper, figuring out how to do our jobs from home, all the while overwhelmed with the anxiety of having to collectively stare in the face of death. We were doing that. I was standing in my bathroom, holding a pregnancy test. I didn’t even have to start the timer on my phone — within 10 seconds, the lines were clear.
The world is was ending, and I was pregnant.
I met my partner in November of 2020. I knew quickly he was my soulmate. The person I would share my life with. Have babies with. But I never thought it would be a heartbreaking yet no-brainer decision that this baby, 5 weeks developed inside me, was not our baby to keep right now.
The next day, I navigated that apocalyptic emptiness of Brooklyn, NY to Planned Parenthood. I’ve done everything on my own — leaving my small town, a first generation college graduate, making New York my home — but this, nothing prepared me for this without anyone holding my hand.
Because of Covid, my incredible partner had no choice but to sit at home and wait as he wasn’t allowed to join me.
A lot happened in the room. I was asked if I wanted to see or hear the baby, not once but twice. Of course not.
The pill itself was the largest unexpected obstacle. Within hours of being back home, the pain barreled toward me like a bullet train. I couldn’t help but saying “this feels like a punishment” as tears fell from my eyes, and tennis ball sized blood clots poured out of me. The pain was like nothing I’ve felt.
The hardest part was knowing I made the right choice, but understanding that doesn’t mean it won’t feel awful.
I will be a mom one day. And I’m proud to have made the right decision for me, the love of my life and for the children I want to someday raise as well as I possibly can.
My parents, and my partners parents, want nothing more than for us to do better than they did. And I’m grateful to even have had the CHOICE to make.
And one day I will tell my children this story. Proudly. Because there is no shame in abortion. There is no condemnation. I made a choice out of love. And I wouldn’t change it.
