It was 1989. I had just turned 20 years old and was freshly out of rehab when I started seeing the guy I will call Mike. My friend was dating one of his friends and introduced us. I was lonely and bored. He gave me attention and a distraction. Within 2 months I was pregnant. I had no permanent residence and had been staying at his mother’s house. I was unemployed. He was unemployed too. Well sometimes he sold cocaine. Part of me enjoyed the idea of having a baby to love and to love me back. I felt so empty inside. The practical part of me realized how woefully unprepared I was to become a mother.
I called my mother who started crying and told me she would help me get an abortion if I wanted one. I knew this was the practical thing to do, but I felt conflicted. I made an appointment at the closest clinic an hour and a half away. When we got there on a Saturday morning a group of people was protesting outside. One of them shouted to me, “Don’t kill your baby!”
So many thoughts ran through my head as I waited. I watched all of the other women waiting and wondered what their stories were.
I went back and was interviewed by a nurse who asked me if I was sure this was what I wanted to do. I hesitated. Then I began crying and told her that I wasn’t completely sure. She told me it was okay. I was only 7 or 8 weeks along. I still had time.
I left that day. But a few weeks later I was back. This time my 2 best friends were there with me for support. They steered me past the protesters and assured me I was going to be okay.
I remember it hurting a bit and feeling sick to my stomach and very tired. But I was relieved that it was over.
I went through a period of heavily using alcohol and cocaine. My relationship with Mike became increasingly toxic. About 6 months after my abortion I found the strength to walk away. I went to another inpatient rehab facility. It was my escape.
I went on to have a decent life with a loving husband and 2 amazing children. I have college degrees and a fulfilling career.
I sometimes look back and feel some sadness for the child that never was and for the lost young woman that I used to be. However, I never once have regretted not having a baby with this man at that time.
