Longest And Coldest Night

by Anonymous

February 3, 2020

I always talked about what would happen if I were to get pregnant with my significant other. While we have known each other for several years and fantasized our future family, I never thought it would come so soon. All I felt was anxiety and terror. We are too young and are in the midst of building our careers. I didn’t fear the judgement from others if we decided to proceed with the pregnancy, since most people in our lives were young mothers. What terrified me is how much I was not ready, and how the decision he and I discussed we would make was here, knocking on our bedroom door.

I couldn’t stay with him at night while I had the abortion, for fear of his pro-life family finding out. I hid out with a supportive group of close friends who held me as I shook terribly from anxiety, cried so much there were no more tears coming out, and reassured me that MY choice for MY body was the right one. I gave my significant other the opportunity to think it out too, as I believe he has a right to choose as well. He agreed having an abortion would be the logical, better option, and he stroked my back as I hovered over the toilet, tears in my eyes and pain over my entire body. The night before I took the second set of pills, I was tossing and turning and panicking so much where I felt there would never be an end. It was the longest night, rolling over at 2:30am and then 4:30am and then shivering in the living room until the sun rose and I didn’t even feel tired. I felt terrified. I sat there and prayed and prayed. I had an aunt who had experienced 3 abortions and I was calling out to her as I waited for it to be time to take that last pill. I was channeling the reassuring phrases my supportive friends told me: “You can do this.” “We are here for you.” “You are making the right decision and you are no less of a beautiful person because of this.” While I am still in pain, and the emotions are steadily creeping their way into and out of my heart like waves on the shore, I feel relief. I know that this was the right decision and I know one day I will have the opportunity, when I am ready, to be a mom.

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