This whole experience has really allowed my husband and I to grow closer.
It’s been four days since my abortion, and I’m feeling an array of emotions.
My husband and I met the summer of 2018 and were married the summer of 2019. Our relationship has been nothing but romantically insane and fast. We knew instantly that we were the one for the other.
The catch? He’s from Europe and I’m from the US. We met while backpacking and quickly entered into a long distance relationship. He has come out to see me twice and I’ve flown to see him three times. One of those times, the most recent time, I came home with more than just my carry on luggage.
I pretty much knew that I was pregnant the second week of my trip. My breasts were beginning to ache and my emotions were a bit out of sorts. The week that I arrived back at home, I was holding a big fat “YES” pregnancy test in my hand. That turned into 5-6 tests all with the same result. I was definitely pregnant.
I called him immediately.
Right now we live apart, only as I’m finishing up my last semester in college. In just over a month I’ll be packing my bags and moving home with him, to FINALLY end this long distance thing we have. We can finally be together.
We discussed things for a few weeks. There were so many things that were screaming at us that were telling us to keep our baby. We’re both in our late 20’s, he has a career, I have a degree, we have a home, we’re married, we do want to have children eventually- so to us, this was a very complicated and very hard decision. There were many tears and many skype dates.
Ultimately we chose to end it because we haven’t even really lived together. We decided that we couldn’t raise a child together when we’re still learning how to cope and live with one another. Had I chosen to keep it, I would be pregnant during a huge move, where I’d have to begin to learn his native language, find a job, and to be frank- just adjust to an entirely new life. That alone is a challenge. Having a kid in the mix of that just didn’t feel right to us.
So four days ago I had my abortion. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Right before my procedure I had my hand on my stomach, crying, saying my goodbyes to this baby that I could feel in me everyday. I had grown quite used to feeling the cramps, and having to pee, and taking my prenatals because I had already grown to love it.
The procedure itself was extremely painful for me. I chose to be mildly sedated with an anti-anxiety med and an opioid to make me “care less”, but mine never seemed to kick in. The doctors told me that they could see if I could take more, but I knew the procedure was quick so I opted to just do it right then. It hurt. The cramping was intense and something I didn’t expect to feel. One nurse held my hand while the other held my forehead as I cried and moaned. But it was over so quickly.
My husband obviously couldn’t be with me for the procedure, and wasn’t actually physically here for any of this. For that, I think it’s hard for him to cope and wrap his head around what has happened. For me the recovery is hard because he isn’t physically with me to just hold me as I’m trying to wrap my head around the last few weeks.
Living at home has been a bit difficult. Half of my family knows and the other half does not. I want to heal and to tell them all what happened and to get the help that I need- but the half that does know, wants me to keep that to myself. I get it, there is a lot to process, but I’m saddened because I feel like I need to talk about it.
The distance between my husband and I and the secrets I’m holding are the most painful parts of this whole process.
I had my abortion four days ago, and I do not regret my decision. I chose to keep a picture of my ultrasound because I felt comfort in knowing that I decided to give my family (husband and I) a better life for when we are ready to have a baby. And I feel so happy to know that I CAN have kids.
This whole experience too, has really allowed my husband and I to grow closer. We know that we can rely on each other when the other needs, and we know that in times of major life decisions, we can talk things out maturely and together. I want to add that he was always a huge support no matter what we chose. I think he at one point really wanted to be a father too and was more or less “nesting”.
I can’t wait to see him, I can’t wait to start my life with him, and I can’t wait until the day when we can look at the pregnancy test results and cry with happiness.
