Hi, my name is A and I am 33 years old. I found out that I am pregnant 9 weeks ago and I was completely frozen in making a decision. You see, my idea of people who need/want this procedure implies young and unknowing people, inability to provide for the future child or medical reasons. Also, I was finding myself just starting a new job and I am still in probation, in a very critical point in my career. I must also add that I am finding myself in very loving partnership, in which we plan in the near future (1 to 2 years) for a baby, I am living in Germany, a country that is very generous in its social safety nets.
So, from a rational and objective perspective, I should have been able to have a positive outlook on this pregnancy. Nevertheless, I couldn’t… I was so scared, so worried about my career and in general, I had the filling that it’s just not the right time. My partner let the decision completely up to me and supported me in any decision I’d made, although he saw this pregnancy much more favourable than me.
We discovered it quite early so we could think much more and in depth on it. We were scared that I will get physically but even more psychologically wounded. You keep hearing about women that regret their decision, that are left to feel scared, that are left, in some way, heartbroken. In the end, I realised that whatever I will choose, I will probably regret it but I was not ready to regret having a child. So, a week ago, I underwent a surgical abortion under general anesthesia. The physical aspect was manageable, some cramps, more or less than the menstrual ones. Afterwards, I could see that my partner was affected and suffering, and this was the most painful thing to see. But for me, after the initial shock, I find myself lighter, back to myself. Of course, it crosses my mind sometimes that I may potentially sacrificed something special for exactly this feeling or what kind of monster I am for not regretting it. But those are fleeting but my life is continuous in the best way.
And precisely for this reason I am writing this. For the women that the list in keeping the baby is so long but the feeling to keep it is not there. If you don’t want it, not ready mentally, professionally or physically, you are not a monster or selfish. You are just honoring your choice, mind, body and soul. This is something that I wished to hear before I had my abortion and I hope it helps anyone.
