I’m writing this story to commemorate my would’ve been son and to inspire love and forgiveness in mothers who read this. In 2017 at 19 years old, a little after Thanksgiving, I discovered I was pregnant. I had just broke up with the father who was addicted to drugs and even tried to get me to try them. I loved him dearly but the relationship was getting toxic and was bad for my mental health. I didn’t eat anything at Thanksgiving by the way… unbeknownst to me Jacob did not eat meat.

Which is why I was so confused as to why I couldn’t enjoy the turkey and greens like I always have. My knees fell to the floor after reading that pregnancy test. I was dumbfounded. It felt so surreal. I was going to keep it. Until that one night at the father’s house I spent. We argued and I saw this look in his eye. A look I knew too well from my own father. I couldn’t tell you what it meant for sure but just know this look he gave me suggested our relationship would never be the same. Jacob deserves better I thought in that moment. He doesn’t deserve custody battles, child support, an angry mother, or a toxic father, he deserves peace. After being abused consistently and threatened to have my child taken from me I made the decision to abort. I wanted Jacob so bad, but to keep him would be selfish. What about what he wants? What about what he needs? Bringing him into a world of toxicity that his father and I created all because I wanted to. That being said, I believe the most selfless thing for me to do was to abort. I am no Christian nor am I of any faith but still I felt guilt. After swallowing those pills I wanted nothing more but to throw them up… but I knew it was too late. I made my decision and I had to be strong and stick through it for Jacob. After it was done I was weakened spiritually. It felt like a part of me was gone. I hated myself for a long time and went through 2 years of depression and suicidal thoughts. I stayed strong. I don’t regret the abortion but I do miss him very much. He never let me eat meat and he always kept me in bed. He would’ve been a Leo. I see him in my dreams a lot and it gives me peace. I remind myself that I didn’t have the abortion for myself, to please myself, I had it as a merciful decision for a wretched life that was to be given to Jacob. I am not ashamed of my abortion. I remind myself no loving mother would want to see their child suffer. Jacob is still considered my first child and will be even after I decide to actually have a baby. My message for other women is not to be ashamed. Find strength and purpose in your decision, as I have in mine.