Jacob Khaseem Hardwick

by Anonymous

November 10, 2020

I’m writing this story to commemorate my would’ve been son and to inspire love and forgiveness in mothers who read this. In 2017 at 19 years old, a little after Thanksgiving, I discovered I was pregnant. I had just broke up with the father who was addicted to drugs and even tried to get me to try them. I loved him dearly but the relationship was getting toxic and was bad for my mental health. I didn’t eat anything at Thanksgiving by the way… unbeknownst to me Jacob did not eat meat.

Which is why I was so confused as to why I couldn’t enjoy the turkey and greens like I always have. My knees fell to the floor after reading that pregnancy test. I was dumbfounded. It felt so surreal. I was going to keep it. Until that one night at the father’s house I spent. We argued and I saw this look in his eye. A look I knew too well from my own father. I couldn’t tell you what it meant for sure but just know this look he gave me suggested our relationship would never be the same. Jacob deserves better I thought in that moment. He doesn’t deserve custody battles, child support, an angry mother, or a toxic father, he deserves peace. After being abused consistently and threatened to have my child taken from me I made the decision to abort. I wanted Jacob so bad, but to keep him would be selfish. What about what he wants? What about what he needs? Bringing him into a world of toxicity that his father and I created all because I wanted to. That being said, I believe the most selfless thing for me to do was to abort. I am no Christian nor am I of any faith but still I felt guilt. After swallowing those pills I wanted nothing more but to throw them up… but I knew it was too late. I made my decision and I had to be strong and stick through it for Jacob. After it was done I was weakened spiritually. It felt like a part of me was gone. I hated myself for a long time and went through 2 years of depression and suicidal thoughts. I stayed strong. I don’t regret the abortion but I do miss him very much. He never let me eat meat and he always kept me in bed. He would’ve been a Leo. I see him in my dreams a lot and it gives me peace. I remind myself that I didn’t have the abortion for myself, to please myself, I had it as a merciful decision for a wretched life that was to be given to Jacob. I am not ashamed of my abortion. I remind myself no loving mother would want to see their child suffer. Jacob is still considered my first child and will be even after I decide to actually have a baby. My message for other women is not to be ashamed. Find strength and purpose in your decision, as I have in mine.

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