I’ve always wanted this, but now that I have it I don’t want it anymore.
I never thought that this would happen to me, that I would be in this position and have to make such a big decision. I found out I was pregnant alone, in my bathroom, 3 days after leaving my abusive relationship. I was 21. I had work in a few hours, I didn’t believe what the test was telling me. I cried for hours, the first person I told was my manager at work that afternoon as I broke down into her arms.
I had always wanted a baby, and couldn’t wait to be a mother some day. But now that I potentially could be it was different, this is not how I expected it to be. This was not how I had planned my life. I remember when my manager asked me what’s wrong, all I could say was “I’ve always wanted this, but now that I have it I don’t want it anymore.”
I went to the doctors a week later alone, I hadn’t told anyone apart from my manager. They confirmed I was in fact pregnant. They asked me what I was planning on doing, I knew that I had already made my choice, an abortion, it was the only answer. That man already had controlled my life for the previous three years, he was not going to control my life anymore, I never told him I was pregnant I wasn’t going to give him the opportunity to change my mind, I was doing this for me. I booked it in, and went alone. I remember sitting in the waiting room, I didn’t feel any emotion at that time, I just wanted it over with and to carry on with my life.
I returned to work two days later and let my manager know what I had done. I didn’t speak of this time in my life for a while to anyone. I pretended it never happened, carrying this secret and so much grief alone was horrible, I felt ashamed, I felt as though people were going to hate me for what I did. It’s been 13 months now and I have just recently told my best friend, I wish I had told her earlier, she was so supportive of me and I couldn’t be more grateful for her.
I will always be thankful for that little baby I carried for such a short time, it saved me and made me realise so many things about my life and has played a part in so many decisions I have made over the last year. If you’re thinking about an abortion, please talk to people don’t go through it alone. Just know that you will be okay, and whatever choice you make is right for that point in your life xx
