I cried because I want to be a mom but I also know that now isn't my time
I’ll never forget the day that I found out I was pregnant,
I’m 20 years old, In nursing school full time and work full time. Growing up my mother always told me that she “doesn’t have grandma written on her forehead” or if I ever got pregnant she would kick me out of the house. I’ve been on birth control since I was 15, I was on the pill for 3 years and then switched to an IUD because I knew with my busy schedule I wouldn’t be able to take my pill the same every day and was always told an IUD was the most effective against pregnancy.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for 4 months and was talking to him one day on the phone how I was feeling super drained these past few weeks, My boobs were super tender and my body just felt super fatigued. He brought up the idea that maybe I’m pregnant, I told him he was crazy and I started blaming being drained from school/work and my boobs were hurting me cause I’m a cheerleader and was training more than usual, but most important was saying how could we get pregnant? I have an IUD and it was nowhere near its expiration date.
That night I sat in my room and started thinking what’s the harm in going and picking up some tests? That night I took two tests and to my shock, they both came back positive. I sat alone in my room pure shock and didn’t know what to think. I called my boyfriend and told him and he said “I love you but I told you so”. The next morning I started to make all of the appointments and cried, I cried because I want to be a mom but I also know that now isn’t my time and was also thinking how could this happen with me having an IUD.
At first I wanted a surgical abortion so it could be quick and just get the process over with but after my first appointment, I deiced to go the medical route. I’ll never forget having to go through an appointment for the first ultrasound, an appointment to get the IUD removed, an appointment to get the medication and sign consent forms and then a final appointment for a follow-up. All of it felt so long and like it was never going to end but when the day came for me to get the pills and sign consent forms I’ll never forget how scared I was. I felt guilty, sad and overwhelmed with all these emotions and just didn’t know how to fully cope with it all.
That day they did the vaginal ultrasound, Pricked my finger, gave me the first pill then sent me on my way. The next morning came where 24 hours later I had to insert the second dose and then just wait. About 45 minutes after I inserted the second dose the cramping started and for me personally it wasn’t awful, It was everything the nurses told me it would be like. I sat with my boyfriend rubbing my back for 4 hours while I sat and let everything passed. I bled like a normal heavy period for the next week and after my follow up they said everything passed and put in a new IUD.
Through this whole experience, I will never forget how personally overwhelming it felt. Everyone asks you if you’re okay and you don’t know what to say because some days are better than others, you have doctors examining your vagina and asking you every question you could think of and a part of you feels lost. Through everything tho it is important to remember that you are not alone and that there are resources to help you get through it all.
